Stoned

My life has been seriously ridiculous lately. There have been so many unexpected things that have pulled me in new directions. I wish I could just spill my beans on here and let you all in on my secrets. Unfortunately I can't.

Over the past few months I have been on a great journey. I really don't want to sound smug, but it really has been a crazy adventure with God. I have been challenged, stretched, angered, plundered, saddened, joyful, excited, and scared. Sometimes going through all of those emotions in one day.

There are a few reasons as to why it has been such an unpredictable ride, and one I can share is the pursuit Holiness. Man I have just had strong conviction lately. I can't seem to get it off me sometimes. Conviction is like that neighborhood dog you don't like, but you don't hate either. You know. It's the dog that wanders up and is like "hey I'm here" and you're like "ugh man you again, dang, what am I going to do with you?" Yeah so conviction sucks but it is awesome at the same time.

Let me tell you a story.

So the other day I had messed up pretty bad. I don't typically have any road rage issues. Sometimes I get a little angry when people ride my bumper, but rarely enough to even look twice. Well a couple of days ago a dude (in a maroon Buick fyi) pissed me off so bad I rolled my window down and screamed "hey, f*** you!". Yeah he heard me too, no direct response he just changed lanes and got out of there. My heart was racing I was so mad. Well clearly you realize that was a mistake. I definitely felt convicted about it in like...I don't know...5 nanoseconds. Anyway it was a dumb move and that guy probably got cursed at like 6 other times before he got to his destination, just judging by the way he was driving.

But enough about him.

So yeah that event kinda soured my day. After that I had a few other things wagging their tail of conviction at me. I knew things in my Spirit were out of sync with God. I needed to get some quiet time in that night to just talk to God and let Him know how sorry I was. You see there's this thing about Holiness, you can't stop pursuing it. You lose sight of Holiness and its like a snowball after that. You stop thinking about your actions, and you just start acting. That's not right. I knew I had to straighten stuff out. And I did, praises.

Anyways...I don't want to preach today.

I don't intend for this to be a mini-lesson. I just want to share where I'm at. God is working on me in a "burning stuff to the surface and scraping it off" kind of way. Its cool because I can see tangible results, but it can be painful too. God is truly great and He knows what's up...but sometimes I want a break you know. Like God can you give me five freakin' minutes. Then I remember how I would much rather go through it now while its easier than go through it after years of being a hopeless sinner. God's way is always better. Yeah I'm ranting now I know. Well ok then, have a scripture and a smile.

:)

"Welcome to the living Stone, the source of life. The workmen took one look and threw it out; God set it in the place of honor. Present yourselves as building stones for the construction of a sanctuary vibrant with life, in which you'll serve as holy priests offering Christ-approved lives up to God." ~ 1 Peter 2:4-8ish

Help I lost my Stuff

Well I don't know if you all remember or not, but on September 13, 2008 hurricane Ike made landfall in Galveston, Texas. You also may remember that my mom moved from the Ham to Galveston in Spring of 2006 in pursue a dream of love and fresh start to life.

Somehow I don't think she envisioned fleeing her home from a hurricane as part of that dream.

Oh well...such is life.

I remember now talking to her prior to Ike's landfall. I remember trying to talk her into evacuating. At first she didn't want to battle the traffic and they didn't have a place to stay. I remember Leo (my mom's new hubby) was extremely resistant to evacuating. After all he had lived on the island his entire life and never once suffered a severe hurricane. I can understand their lives were based in Galveston. It was the city that brought them together. It was a major decision for mom to move into a tiny house built in the 30's from a nicer house in Alabama. To leave her friends and family of 25 years behind. They didn't want to evacuate it. Eventually the Mayor's Office issued a fairly stern warning to all Galveston residents that their lives would be in jeopardy if they didn't flee...fortunately my folks decided they were convinced.

Ike made landfall and literally wiped out the island. Going back now it looks completely different. Houses and major landmarks and now empty lots. There are work trucks and debris piles everywhere. My moms house took over a foot of water, and the house is five feet off of the ground. That's six feet of water 20 blocks from the ocean. That is a significant tidal surge.

Needless to say my folks have been "homeless" since then. They had rented a sub-par one bedroom place in Texas City while the renovations on their house took place.

It has been a stressful year for my parents. Not only did they lose priceless possessions in the storm, they've also been pushed to the limits with their marriage. The contracting company that they signed with has proven to be a brood of vipers: over-charging for simple tasks, lying about payment to subcontractors, refusing to finish jobs, etc. So far one lien has been placed on the house because the company hasn't paid their bonding company. I'm sure my parents will be forced into court to resolve the matter. In the end my parents have got their ducks in a row and they'll be fine, but the stress of dealing with such dishonesty in the wake of a tragedy is truly a pain in the ass. I feel bad for them.

So I pray for them.

I went and helped them move back into the house this last weekend. It was a stressful trip full of manual labor, but ultimately a joyful one too. I was glad to see them back in their home after all of the drama. Though it wasn't constant hugs and kisses my parents seem to be doing well and I know they're looking forward to adjusting back to their routine.

Still they have suffered a great loss they may never fully recover from. It just brings to mind this verse in Mathew 6. The gist is this "Don't waste time building wealth in money or possessions, its all going to be garbage someday anyway" (The Zaner Standard Version).

So the odd thing about the house is they basically got a free upgrade. The house need to be renovated big time, and the insurance came through in a big way on that. The biggest cost of the whole ordeal will be the months of stress and fighting.

And I'm left here thinking is it worth it? I mean sure they have a nice house, but they could have easily moved somewhere else. They could have moved to Houston or Texas City or Kansas or Bama. All of those options wouldn't have strained their marriage as much. Its all just stuff...

I wonder what it would be like if we would stand on the outside of our lives and ask ourselves if all of this is really necessary. We live in the most consumer-centric nation in the world. We've become creatures of stuff. And I'm guilty of this too.

I just think it could all be different you know.

Who Put the Chapters in the Bible Anyway?

Did you know Anthony Hopkins plays Paul in a movie. I find that pretty dang funny.

So I wanted to update my blog. Well actually let me be honest. The office is pretty quiet right now so I didn't have anyone to talk to so I decided to update my blog. Well now that you feel second best-ed let me post something of value.

I love this scripture. It makes me feel like a complete screw up but it helps me realize I'm not alone as a screw up. Paul himself was a total mess, and somehow knowing that he was a mess makes me feel better for being a mess. Lets get to it.

"21-23 It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.

24 I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question?

25 The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different."

So that's in Romans 7 at the very end. I read this and it is truly depressing. Think about it: the freakin' Apostle Paul is saying he's at the end of his rope because I can't seem to do right by denying sin. So if Paul can't do it how am I suppose to? So instead I typically try to ignore my sin...

I mean I know I'm a screw up. I know I have sin in my life that needs to be dealt with. But I can live with myself because in the back of my mind I'm thinking that I WILL deal with it someday. EVENTUALLY I will figure things out, get on my feet and get this whole mess off of my back. But then I read this and I'm like what's the point? Is Paul saying we can't conquer sin, or we can't do right even when we want to? Depressing eh?

Rabbit Trail: So I'm just calling it, whoever put the chapters in the Bible...you know the numbers and verses and stuff...well they weren't always right. I don't think anyway. You have to remember this is a letter to the Roman Church. He did not notate his letters with chapters and verses. Somebody added that later. Well here is why they were wrong: You have to read chapter 8 after you read chapter 7. If you read to the end of 7 you'll just be like SCREW THIS!!! NO. Don't do that, you've got to keep going. So here we go.

"1-2With the arrival of Jesus, the Messiah, that fateful dilemma is resolved. Those who enter into Christ's being-here-for-us no longer have to live under a continuous, low-lying black cloud. A new power is in operation. The Spirit of life in Christ, like a strong wind, has magnificently cleared the air, freeing you from a fated lifetime of brutal tyranny at the hands of sin and death.

3-4God went for the jugular when he sent his own Son. He didn't deal with the problem as something remote and unimportant. In his Son, Jesus, he personally took on the human condition, entered the disordered mess of struggling humanity in order to set it right once and for all. The law code, weakened as it always was by fractured human nature, could never have done that."

That's the first part of Romans 8. So Paul kinda ties it all up right there. The problem is so easily solved with Jesus.

I think the reason I love this scripture so much is because it describes my life with God. I mess up, some days A LOT. But at the end of the night, if I take the time to talk with my God, He is always like "its ok dude, I love you and you love me. I forgive you." You know how awesome that makes me feel? So awesome. God loves me. So much so that Jesus came, and died. Now I have grace. I have mercy. I am found! That's pretty cool.

What I get most from thinking about this scripture is that I should not dwell on sin. That's what Paul was saying in 7. When you focus sooo much on doing right (obeying the law) its a major blow when you do wrong. Talk about a let down. But if you focus on Christ it won't matter. Christ's death reverses the grip of sin on us, and replaces it with a one on one, straight up, relationship with the Father in Heaven.

Now that is why I love this scripture! So next time somebody is whining about Romans 7 (though I haven't heard much whining from people other than myself) just tell 'em to read 8 and it'll be alright.

My Sheep Will Hear My Voice

So there's this bible verse I've been thinking about lately. It is Jesus talking to his disciples and the religious leaders and he says something like "You crazy pharisees. You don't understand me because you are not my sheep. My sheep will recognize my voice and follow me."*

I have been really struggling with this verse lately. There's one problem in my life I just can't figure out. Well this isn't really a problem as much as it is a fork in the road. I'm not sure which direction to take. There's definitely one path I would prefer, but I'd be cool with the other. Neither of them lead away from righteousness so I can't make decisions on that. But I'm anxious to know which path is right so I can be settled on it. So I pray "Hey God if this isn't right, man close this door. Otherwise tell me what to do! What path do I take?"

So I've been sitting patiently every night (almost) for the last few weeks praying mostly about this one particular thing. I'll sit on my porch, which is the most peaceful place in my life, and just talk to God. Sometimes I'll beg, sometimes I'll whine, and sometimes I'm cool with everything...but I mention this problem every single night.

Now here's an issue mmkay. Some nights I will hear God clear as a bell, and the next I won't. Instead of hearing God clearly I'll hear myself: my heart, my mind, my flesh, the devil, whatever. But I don't always hear God, which really sucks. When I do hear God He doesn't give me the details I want. He just says stuff like "Be patient. You're doing great. I love you. Let go of control." Well that definitely doesn't settle me down hahaha. Which is why I struggle with this verse. I'm God's sheep aren't I? Why don't I always hear and recognize His voice?

At least I'm aware enough to realize the devil speaks to me, and I speak to myself. After all I'm just trying to scam my way into my own selfish desires and not God's. So that's probably the central problem: me wanting my way instead of the Right Way.

So here's another piece of this problem pie. I think the reason I'm staying so "committed" to praying about this, is because I'm hoping God will change His answers to suit my desires. Sounds crazy I know, but I keep praying and I'm sure He's staying the same, but I keep asking JUST IN CASE something changes. To make matters worse God hasn't closed the door to this problem, in fact He might have opened the door in the first place.

"Ugh. You're such an idiot." - Napoleon Dynamite

So the rest of the verse (I suck at) goes kinda like this: "My sheep know and trust my voice. I walk into the pen where they are held and I call them by name. I know them and they know me. I lead them out of the pen and we go for a stroll because they trust me."

God has plans, He really does. And honestly I'm extremely blessed to even have problems like this: things I can take to God and be like "Help me out here." Its a blessing to be surrounded by Godly people that make me grow closer to God, instead of growing closer to myself. So God has this problem all figured out, and if I would just let go of control and follow him out of the freakin' pen then I would realize that.

* Mathew 10:25-30

Holiness Kinda

I've always considered myself to be a pretty liberal Christian. When I say liberal I mean the opposite of legalistic. My pastor, Mike, explains it like this: A legalistic Christian sets up and enforces rules and cultural standards that protect us from sin, whereas liberal Christian forsakes all of that for more of a try not to sin but don't get too worried about it approach. Both of these ways of thinking (I refuse to call them theologies) translate to people differently.

Some people seem to do really well under a legalistic approach to God. You know some people just need those tangible boundaries and a clear idea of when they've crossed the line. Others, like me, seem to feel more comfortable and open to God with a more liberal approach. Of course both have there pros and cons, and I'm not here trying to sell anyone on one way or the other.

What I'm getting at is I've realized some problems with my liberal approach. Mike says that the liberal way of thinking often gets confused as a license to sin. What he's saying is that people eventually will train themselves to think that sin is alright because we've got grace and mercy. As long as God forgives us we mights as well do whatever the heck we want right? Well clearly that is a problem.

Finally here is an even more quirky part of the whole no boundaries kind of thinking. The more mature I get the more liberal I get. And I mean mature like closer to God. The closer to God I get the more I realize that sin IS covered and that His Grace and His Mercy is much much bigger than my faults. Even more so I find I have more grace and mercy and forgiveness for others. So am I reinforcing a loophole in my beliefs, and in turn in instilling these loopholes in others?

I had a great conversation last night and we examined this exact problem. Ultimately we agreed that a real-deal hold nothing back relationship with God is the key. Taking our American Christian culture as an example, what are we left with if we strip away the rules, the boundaries, and the cultural standards we get from legalism? Now what if we also get rid of the license to sin we get from liberalism? What is left to help us deal with sin? By removing these methods of sin, or methods that prohibit sin, we are left with our relationship with Christ. If we are Christ-centric then following rules won't matter, just like that license to sin becomes a pile of bull-malarkey. If we are striving for the heart of God then we land on Jesus, and Him alone. That's all that really matters. See the scripture below, its spelled out pretty plainly.

So yeah I feel like I'm pretty liberal. This post started because I'm feeling very convicted in some areas, which as a liberal Christian is an odd feeling. But I do feel God drawing me to Holiness and frankly it sucks giving up things that please me. But rather than focusing on my past mistakes, and rather than agonizing over the sacrifices yet to be made, I chose to follow Christ. I will let him be the example, and critic, and savior.

To be mature is to be basic. Christ! No more, no less. That's what I'm working so hard at day after day, year after year, doing my best with the energy God so generously gives me.
~ Colossians 1:28-29

** The term liberal in this post has absolutely nothing to do with my political beliefs ;-) **

Ministry Support?

So I've found myself in a quandary. What am I supposed to do about ministry? Believe me when I say that I really want to be a full-time minister. But I have tried (and failed) to come up with ways to sustain myself in ministry and I simply can't seem to make the numbers fit. But I have a good job and some great friends and life should be great and when the time is right the church will pay my way and things will be dandy.

Then I go and hang out with my students. When I’m with them outside of church and outside of your typical ministry activities I feel incredibly selfish. Do you know the term abandonment? Believe me when I use this term as I don’t take it very lightly. Last night I picked up a student and three of his friends. At any given time there are between 3 and 9 students living at this particular house. That night not everybody could go because my truck only holds five. All of these kids that stay there have been abandoned. The house where they stay has two adults living there, and not to be overly critical but I would hardly call them parents. I won’t divulge details but let’s leave it at the fact that nine times out of ten when I’m over there the mom is nowhere to be found and the step-dad (who didn’t father any of these kids) is drunk and doesn’t care about anything.

So back to the kid that needed a ride. He needed a ride to his house so his parents could take him to court the next day. The house is in McCalla and he needed a ride to Brookwood (which is like FOREVER away). Yeah he walked to McCalla some weeks ago and has been living there for a while. Well he was due in court and needed to get home so charges weren’t brought up against HIS PARENTS for abandoning him. Of course they refused to come get him so that’s where the great big blue taxi cab (aka my truck) comes into play. Well either way I don’t mind because I love hanging out with these kids. The kid that was due in court and another friend at the house BOTH BECAME BELIEVERS over the weekend. I had nothing to do with that btw I just wanted to brag on them. I suppose what I’m getting at is these kids are awesome. They are totally raw and street savvy and their parents couldn’t give a flying flip about them. They’ve been kicked out of school and kicked out of their homes but their smart enough to know how to survive and are smart enough to know they need the Lord. To me that means they’re awesome. And it makes me feel selfish because my life has been all cream puffs and pastries comparatively. What makes it worse is these kids live off of next to nothing. Some get food stamps while others “borrow” money from their parents or relatives when they’re around. They have never stolen anything from me but of course I buy them dinner every chance I get.

But bringing me to my point. Why should the church spend $25k a year on me so that I can hang out with these students when the money would be better spent buying food and healthcare for them? It simply doesn’t make sense. What’s worse is I would have to justify it to the kids. They would see me having a job where I got to hang out with them but they don’t get paid to do that. So the church would be setting the example of “hey if you make yourself into a comfortable little Christian we’ll pay you to do nothing”. I know that’s not the right attitude but I’m telling you that is what these students would think. They wouldn’t be bitter about it but what example am I setting if I quit my job to hang out with students all day?

And then there is [1 Corinthians 9:3-14]. Basically Paul is saying “hey you people take some money and support those who spread the Gospel”. Not that I’m bragging but I feel like I do that. But that’s the quandary. It is Biblical for me to be supported in this, and yet the world in which my students live is much more worthy of support. I could write a book about the cultural and social dynamics at work here. It is mind bottling to say the least.

Remember at the beginning of this post I said I can't seem to make the numbers fit. What that means is I take down all of the bills and living expenses I have and then I take what incoming I need in order to pay for that stuff. When it comes to ministry supporting me it never seems to add up. But maybe that IS my problem. Where's the faith in that? If I know I have guaranteed income then its not really a sacrifice I'm making is it? I digress. I can’t seem to let go of control of those things but I’m scared to move out in faith if I’m unsure of what God says. Either way my students and I need some freakin’ money.

Rest and Relaxation

I have really started to value personal time. A couple of weeks ago I decided that I needed to set two days a month aside for simply personal time. Not time that I spend at home washing clothes, dishes, or catching up with friends. Simply time to myself where I do whatever the eff I want. The reason I need this is because if I don't schedule it ahead of time I will rarely make a conscious decision to do it. Now I am a people person and setting time aside to be by myself seems almost counter-productive with my loneliness-sensitive state of mind. But I have found that giving my mind the time to wander is one of the most relaxing things I can do.

For instance, I feel awesome today. Like I woke up in the best mood. And I woke up in a great mood yesterday. Who the freak wakes up on Monday and Tuesday morning in a great mood?!?!? Well apparently I do when I spend a little time doing nothing. As you may have noticed I haven't posted much lately. Its because I've been spending time away from the computer in the woods, and it puts me in a positive frame of mind. I've got to keep this up.

I even got flipped off in traffic this morning for no apparent reason and it hardly bothered me at all. Although I was secretly hoping I would get caught at a red light next to that a**hole so I could give him a little piece of my mind, but I was over it in like 5 minutes.

Peace and Grace, Zane