roostertail

To Dethrone Kings

2012-01-31T10:30:00.004-05:00

Today I began preparing for 21 days of prayer and fasting. About two weeks ago I was starting to feel sorry because of the weight I had gained over the last year and my frustrated attempts at losing it. I finally had a moment where it hit me that I simply was not strong enough to do this on my own and I began to reach out to God. He very gently reminded me of a few issues and the inward-out-transformation process began.

A while back I had come to a realization that I was actually addicted to food. I don't have the time or energy or even the memory to explain how or why I came to that conclusion but every logical thought I have in this matter seems to confirm it. I turn to food when I am happy. I turn to food when I am sad. I turn to food when I am bored. The only times I don't turn to food are times when I am unable, and then turn to food as soon as I can. I use food as a coping mechanism. I use food to celebrate. You name it, I ate it.

God reminded me of this fact and around the same time I not-so-coincidentally saw this sermon posted online. I listened intently as Pastor Chris described my dilemma and the mixed emotions of addictive behavior. In the sermon he carefully explains that addiction stems from idolatry, and that in it's essence idolatry is simply granting things other than God a higher place in your heart. The allegory used is that you are putting something other than God on the throne of your heart. God is still there, but He's not the King. The simple solution is to dethrone those other kings, and I will do that by fasting and prayer.

I started preparing yesterday. I've been on raw fruits and vegetables and today is my first day without caffeine. Tomorrow I start to fast.

So far things have been good. I had a really great day yesterday with some powerful prayer during lunch. Today I have felt quite sluggish and that caffeine-headache is coming on slowly. Hopefully by the weekend I will feel normal physically, but pumped spiritually.

To the Blog Again

2012-01-30T15:37:00.002-05:00

Well I'm back to blogging. At least temporarilly. Every once in a while I think to myself I should journal an event in my life and I'm quickly coming up on one of those times. Don't expect too much from over the new few weeks, but I do plan to post several times. If you're still reading blogs and haven't completely moved on to Facebook or Twitter I'm glad to share with you.

Stoned

2009-08-04T16:03:00.008-04:00

My life has been seriously ridiculous lately. There have been so many unexpected things that have pulled me in new directions. I wish I could just spill my beans on here and let you all in on my secrets. Unfortunately I can't.

Over the past few months I have been on a great journey. I really don't want to sound smug, but it really has been a crazy adventure with God. I have been challenged, stretched, angered, plundered, saddened, joyful, excited, and scared. Sometimes going through all of those emotions in one day.

There are a few reasons as to why it has been such an unpredictable ride, and one I can share is the pursuit Holiness. Man I have just had strong conviction lately. I can't seem to get it off me sometimes. Conviction is like that neighborhood dog you don't like, but you don't hate either. You know. It's the dog that wanders up and is like "hey I'm here" and you're like "ugh man you again, dang, what am I going to do with you?" Yeah so conviction sucks but it is awesome at the same time.

Let me tell you a story.

So the other day I had messed up pretty bad. I don't typically have any road rage issues. Sometimes I get a little angry when people ride my bumper, but rarely enough to even look twice. Well a couple of days ago a dude (in a maroon Buick fyi) pissed me off so bad I rolled my window down and screamed "hey, f*** you!". Yeah he heard me too, no direct response he just changed lanes and got out of there. My heart was racing I was so mad. Well clearly you realize that was a mistake. I definitely felt convicted about it in like...I don't know...5 nanoseconds. Anyway it was a dumb move and that guy probably got cursed at like 6 other times before he got to his destination, just judging by the way he was driving.

But enough about him.

So yeah that event kinda soured my day. After that I had a few other things wagging their tail of conviction at me. I knew things in my Spirit were out of sync with God. I needed to get some quiet time in that night to just talk to God and let Him know how sorry I was. You see there's this thing about Holiness, you can't stop pursuing it. You lose sight of Holiness and its like a snowball after that. You stop thinking about your actions, and you just start acting. That's not right. I knew I had to straighten stuff out. And I did, praises.

Anyways...I don't want to preach today.

I don't intend for this to be a mini-lesson. I just want to share where I'm at. God is working on me in a "burning stuff to the surface and scraping it off" kind of way. Its cool because I can see tangible results, but it can be painful too. God is truly great and He knows what's up...but sometimes I want a break you know. Like God can you give me five freakin' minutes. Then I remember how I would much rather go through it now while its easier than go through it after years of being a hopeless sinner. God's way is always better. Yeah I'm ranting now I know. Well ok then, have a scripture and a smile.

:)

"Welcome to the living Stone, the source of life. The workmen took one look and threw it out; God set it in the place of honor. Present yourselves as building stones for the construction of a sanctuary vibrant with life, in which you'll serve as holy priests offering Christ-approved lives up to God." ~ 1 Peter 2:4-8ish

Help I lost my Stuff

2009-06-22T14:52:00.004-04:00

Well I don't know if you all remember or not, but on September 13, 2008 hurricane Ike made landfall in Galveston, Texas. You also may remember that my mom moved from the Ham to Galveston in Spring of 2006 in pursue a dream of love and fresh start to life.

Somehow I don't think she envisioned fleeing her home from a hurricane as part of that dream.

Oh well...such is life.

I remember now talking to her prior to Ike's landfall. I remember trying to talk her into evacuating. At first she didn't want to battle the traffic and they didn't have a place to stay. I remember Leo (my mom's new hubby) was extremely resistant to evacuating. After all he had lived on the island his entire life and never once suffered a severe hurricane. I can understand their lives were based in Galveston. It was the city that brought them together. It was a major decision for mom to move into a tiny house built in the 30's from a nicer house in Alabama. To leave her friends and family of 25 years behind. They didn't want to evacuate it. Eventually the Mayor's Office issued a fairly stern warning to all Galveston residents that their lives would be in jeopardy if they didn't flee...fortunately my folks decided they were convinced.

Ike made landfall and literally wiped out the island. Going back now it looks completely different. Houses and major landmarks and now empty lots. There are work trucks and debris piles everywhere. My moms house took over a foot of water, and the house is five feet off of the ground. That's six feet of water 20 blocks from the ocean. That is a significant tidal surge.

Needless to say my folks have been "homeless" since then. They had rented a sub-par one bedroom place in Texas City while the renovations on their house took place.

It has been a stressful year for my parents. Not only did they lose priceless possessions in the storm, they've also been pushed to the limits with their marriage. The contracting company that they signed with has proven to be a brood of vipers: over-charging for simple tasks, lying about payment to subcontractors, refusing to finish jobs, etc. So far one lien has been placed on the house because the company hasn't paid their bonding company. I'm sure my parents will be forced into court to resolve the matter. In the end my parents have got their ducks in a row and they'll be fine, but the stress of dealing with such dishonesty in the wake of a tragedy is truly a pain in the ass. I feel bad for them.

So I pray for them.

I went and helped them move back into the house this last weekend. It was a stressful trip full of manual labor, but ultimately a joyful one too. I was glad to see them back in their home after all of the drama. Though it wasn't constant hugs and kisses my parents seem to be doing well and I know they're looking forward to adjusting back to their routine.

Still they have suffered a great loss they may never fully recover from. It just brings to mind this verse in Mathew 6. The gist is this "Don't waste time building wealth in money or possessions, its all going to be garbage someday anyway" (The Zaner Standard Version).

So the odd thing about the house is they basically got a free upgrade. The house need to be renovated big time, and the insurance came through in a big way on that. The biggest cost of the whole ordeal will be the months of stress and fighting.

And I'm left here thinking is it worth it? I mean sure they have a nice house, but they could have easily moved somewhere else. They could have moved to Houston or Texas City or Kansas or Bama. All of those options wouldn't have strained their marriage as much. Its all just stuff...

I wonder what it would be like if we would stand on the outside of our lives and ask ourselves if all of this is really necessary. We live in the most consumer-centric nation in the world. We've become creatures of stuff. And I'm guilty of this too.

I just think it could all be different you know.

Who Put the Chapters in the Bible Anyway?

2009-06-19T09:28:00.004-04:00

Did you know Anthony Hopkins plays Paul in a movie. I find that pretty dang funny.

So I wanted to update my blog. Well actually let me be honest. The office is pretty quiet right now so I didn't have anyone to talk to so I decided to update my blog. Well now that you feel second best-ed let me post something of value.

I love this scripture. It makes me feel like a complete screw up but it helps me realize I'm not alone as a screw up. Paul himself was a total mess, and somehow knowing that he was a mess makes me feel better for being a mess. Lets get to it.

"21-23 It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.

24 I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question?

25 The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different."

So that's in Romans 7 at the very end. I read this and it is truly depressing. Think about it: the freakin' Apostle Paul is saying he's at the end of his rope because I can't seem to do right by denying sin. So if Paul can't do it how am I suppose to? So instead I typically try to ignore my sin...

I mean I know I'm a screw up. I know I have sin in my life that needs to be dealt with. But I can live with myself because in the back of my mind I'm thinking that I WILL deal with it someday. EVENTUALLY I will figure things out, get on my feet and get this whole mess off of my back. But then I read this and I'm like what's the point? Is Paul saying we can't conquer sin, or we can't do right even when we want to? Depressing eh?

Rabbit Trail: So I'm just calling it, whoever put the chapters in the Bible...you know the numbers and verses and stuff...well they weren't always right. I don't think anyway. You have to remember this is a letter to the Roman Church. He did not notate his letters with chapters and verses. Somebody added that later. Well here is why they were wrong: You have to read chapter 8 after you read chapter 7. If you read to the end of 7 you'll just be like SCREW THIS!!! NO. Don't do that, you've got to keep going. So here we go.

"1-2With the arrival of Jesus, the Messiah, that fateful dilemma is resolved. Those who enter into Christ's being-here-for-us no longer have to live under a continuous, low-lying black cloud. A new power is in operation. The Spirit of life in Christ, like a strong wind, has magnificently cleared the air, freeing you from a fated lifetime of brutal tyranny at the hands of sin and death.

3-4God went for the jugular when he sent his own Son. He didn't deal with the problem as something remote and unimportant. In his Son, Jesus, he personally took on the human condition, entered the disordered mess of struggling humanity in order to set it right once and for all. The law code, weakened as it always was by fractured human nature, could never have done that."

That's the first part of Romans 8. So Paul kinda ties it all up right there. The problem is so easily solved with Jesus.

I think the reason I love this scripture so much is because it describes my life with God. I mess up, some days A LOT. But at the end of the night, if I take the time to talk with my God, He is always like "its ok dude, I love you and you love me. I forgive you." You know how awesome that makes me feel? So awesome. God loves me. So much so that Jesus came, and died. Now I have grace. I have mercy. I am found! That's pretty cool.

What I get most from thinking about this scripture is that I should not dwell on sin. That's what Paul was saying in 7. When you focus sooo much on doing right (obeying the law) its a major blow when you do wrong. Talk about a let down. But if you focus on Christ it won't matter. Christ's death reverses the grip of sin on us, and replaces it with a one on one, straight up, relationship with the Father in Heaven.

Now that is why I love this scripture! So next time somebody is whining about Romans 7 (though I haven't heard much whining from people other than myself) just tell 'em to read 8 and it'll be alright.

My Sheep Will Hear My Voice

2009-06-12T09:26:00.005-04:00

So there's this bible verse I've been thinking about lately. It is Jesus talking to his disciples and the religious leaders and he says something like "You crazy pharisees. You don't understand me because you are not my sheep. My sheep will recognize my voice and follow me."*

I have been really struggling with this verse lately. There's one problem in my life I just can't figure out. Well this isn't really a problem as much as it is a fork in the road. I'm not sure which direction to take. There's definitely one path I would prefer, but I'd be cool with the other. Neither of them lead away from righteousness so I can't make decisions on that. But I'm anxious to know which path is right so I can be settled on it. So I pray "Hey God if this isn't right, man close this door. Otherwise tell me what to do! What path do I take?"

So I've been sitting patiently every night (almost) for the last few weeks praying mostly about this one particular thing. I'll sit on my porch, which is the most peaceful place in my life, and just talk to God. Sometimes I'll beg, sometimes I'll whine, and sometimes I'm cool with everything...but I mention this problem every single night.

Now here's an issue mmkay. Some nights I will hear God clear as a bell, and the next I won't. Instead of hearing God clearly I'll hear myself: my heart, my mind, my flesh, the devil, whatever. But I don't always hear God, which really sucks. When I do hear God He doesn't give me the details I want. He just says stuff like "Be patient. You're doing great. I love you. Let go of control." Well that definitely doesn't settle me down hahaha. Which is why I struggle with this verse. I'm God's sheep aren't I? Why don't I always hear and recognize His voice?

At least I'm aware enough to realize the devil speaks to me, and I speak to myself. After all I'm just trying to scam my way into my own selfish desires and not God's. So that's probably the central problem: me wanting my way instead of the Right Way.

So here's another piece of this problem pie. I think the reason I'm staying so "committed" to praying about this, is because I'm hoping God will change His answers to suit my desires. Sounds crazy I know, but I keep praying and I'm sure He's staying the same, but I keep asking JUST IN CASE something changes. To make matters worse God hasn't closed the door to this problem, in fact He might have opened the door in the first place.

"Ugh. You're such an idiot." - Napoleon Dynamite

So the rest of the verse (I suck at) goes kinda like this: "My sheep know and trust my voice. I walk into the pen where they are held and I call them by name. I know them and they know me. I lead them out of the pen and we go for a stroll because they trust me."

God has plans, He really does. And honestly I'm extremely blessed to even have problems like this: things I can take to God and be like "Help me out here." Its a blessing to be surrounded by Godly people that make me grow closer to God, instead of growing closer to myself. So God has this problem all figured out, and if I would just let go of control and follow him out of the freakin' pen then I would realize that.

* Mathew 10:25-30

Holiness Kinda

2009-05-26T11:50:00.004-04:00

I've always considered myself to be a pretty liberal Christian. When I say liberal I mean the opposite of legalistic. My pastor, Mike, explains it like this: A legalistic Christian sets up and enforces rules and cultural standards that protect us from sin, whereas liberal Christian forsakes all of that for more of a try not to sin but don't get too worried about it approach. Both of these ways of thinking (I refuse to call them theologies) translate to people differently.

Some people seem to do really well under a legalistic approach to God. You know some people just need those tangible boundaries and a clear idea of when they've crossed the line. Others, like me, seem to feel more comfortable and open to God with a more liberal approach. Of course both have there pros and cons, and I'm not here trying to sell anyone on one way or the other.

What I'm getting at is I've realized some problems with my liberal approach. Mike says that the liberal way of thinking often gets confused as a license to sin. What he's saying is that people eventually will train themselves to think that sin is alright because we've got grace and mercy. As long as God forgives us we mights as well do whatever the heck we want right? Well clearly that is a problem.

Finally here is an even more quirky part of the whole no boundaries kind of thinking. The more mature I get the more liberal I get. And I mean mature like closer to God. The closer to God I get the more I realize that sin IS covered and that His Grace and His Mercy is much much bigger than my faults. Even more so I find I have more grace and mercy and forgiveness for others. So am I reinforcing a loophole in my beliefs, and in turn in instilling these loopholes in others?

I had a great conversation last night and we examined this exact problem. Ultimately we agreed that a real-deal hold nothing back relationship with God is the key. Taking our American Christian culture as an example, what are we left with if we strip away the rules, the boundaries, and the cultural standards we get from legalism? Now what if we also get rid of the license to sin we get from liberalism? What is left to help us deal with sin? By removing these methods of sin, or methods that prohibit sin, we are left with our relationship with Christ. If we are Christ-centric then following rules won't matter, just like that license to sin becomes a pile of bull-malarkey. If we are striving for the heart of God then we land on Jesus, and Him alone. That's all that really matters. See the scripture below, its spelled out pretty plainly.

So yeah I feel like I'm pretty liberal. This post started because I'm feeling very convicted in some areas, which as a liberal Christian is an odd feeling. But I do feel God drawing me to Holiness and frankly it sucks giving up things that please me. But rather than focusing on my past mistakes, and rather than agonizing over the sacrifices yet to be made, I chose to follow Christ. I will let him be the example, and critic, and savior.

To be mature is to be basic. Christ! No more, no less. That's what I'm working so hard at day after day, year after year, doing my best with the energy God so generously gives me.
~ Colossians 1:28-29

** The term liberal in this post has absolutely nothing to do with my political beliefs ;-) **

Ministry Support?

2009-05-05T09:49:00.004-04:00

So I've found myself in a quandary. What am I supposed to do about ministry? Believe me when I say that I really want to be a full-time minister. But I have tried (and failed) to come up with ways to sustain myself in ministry and I simply can't seem to make the numbers fit. But I have a good job and some great friends and life should be great and when the time is right the church will pay my way and things will be dandy.

Then I go and hang out with my students. When I’m with them outside of church and outside of your typical ministry activities I feel incredibly selfish. Do you know the term abandonment? Believe me when I use this term as I don’t take it very lightly. Last night I picked up a student and three of his friends. At any given time there are between 3 and 9 students living at this particular house. That night not everybody could go because my truck only holds five. All of these kids that stay there have been abandoned. The house where they stay has two adults living there, and not to be overly critical but I would hardly call them parents. I won’t divulge details but let’s leave it at the fact that nine times out of ten when I’m over there the mom is nowhere to be found and the step-dad (who didn’t father any of these kids) is drunk and doesn’t care about anything.

So back to the kid that needed a ride. He needed a ride to his house so his parents could take him to court the next day. The house is in McCalla and he needed a ride to Brookwood (which is like FOREVER away). Yeah he walked to McCalla some weeks ago and has been living there for a while. Well he was due in court and needed to get home so charges weren’t brought up against HIS PARENTS for abandoning him. Of course they refused to come get him so that’s where the great big blue taxi cab (aka my truck) comes into play. Well either way I don’t mind because I love hanging out with these kids. The kid that was due in court and another friend at the house BOTH BECAME BELIEVERS over the weekend. I had nothing to do with that btw I just wanted to brag on them. I suppose what I’m getting at is these kids are awesome. They are totally raw and street savvy and their parents couldn’t give a flying flip about them. They’ve been kicked out of school and kicked out of their homes but their smart enough to know how to survive and are smart enough to know they need the Lord. To me that means they’re awesome. And it makes me feel selfish because my life has been all cream puffs and pastries comparatively. What makes it worse is these kids live off of next to nothing. Some get food stamps while others “borrow” money from their parents or relatives when they’re around. They have never stolen anything from me but of course I buy them dinner every chance I get.

But bringing me to my point. Why should the church spend $25k a year on me so that I can hang out with these students when the money would be better spent buying food and healthcare for them? It simply doesn’t make sense. What’s worse is I would have to justify it to the kids. They would see me having a job where I got to hang out with them but they don’t get paid to do that. So the church would be setting the example of “hey if you make yourself into a comfortable little Christian we’ll pay you to do nothing”. I know that’s not the right attitude but I’m telling you that is what these students would think. They wouldn’t be bitter about it but what example am I setting if I quit my job to hang out with students all day?

And then there is [1 Corinthians 9:3-14]. Basically Paul is saying “hey you people take some money and support those who spread the Gospel”. Not that I’m bragging but I feel like I do that. But that’s the quandary. It is Biblical for me to be supported in this, and yet the world in which my students live is much more worthy of support. I could write a book about the cultural and social dynamics at work here. It is mind bottling to say the least.

Remember at the beginning of this post I said I can't seem to make the numbers fit. What that means is I take down all of the bills and living expenses I have and then I take what incoming I need in order to pay for that stuff. When it comes to ministry supporting me it never seems to add up. But maybe that IS my problem. Where's the faith in that? If I know I have guaranteed income then its not really a sacrifice I'm making is it? I digress. I can’t seem to let go of control of those things but I’m scared to move out in faith if I’m unsure of what God says. Either way my students and I need some freakin’ money.

Rest and Relaxation

2009-04-14T09:10:00.002-04:00

I have really started to value personal time. A couple of weeks ago I decided that I needed to set two days a month aside for simply personal time. Not time that I spend at home washing clothes, dishes, or catching up with friends. Simply time to myself where I do whatever the eff I want. The reason I need this is because if I don't schedule it ahead of time I will rarely make a conscious decision to do it. Now I am a people person and setting time aside to be by myself seems almost counter-productive with my loneliness-sensitive state of mind. But I have found that giving my mind the time to wander is one of the most relaxing things I can do.

For instance, I feel awesome today. Like I woke up in the best mood. And I woke up in a great mood yesterday. Who the freak wakes up on Monday and Tuesday morning in a great mood?!?!? Well apparently I do when I spend a little time doing nothing. As you may have noticed I haven't posted much lately. Its because I've been spending time away from the computer in the woods, and it puts me in a positive frame of mind. I've got to keep this up.

I even got flipped off in traffic this morning for no apparent reason and it hardly bothered me at all. Although I was secretly hoping I would get caught at a red light next to that a**hole so I could give him a little piece of my mind, but I was over it in like 5 minutes.

Peace and Grace, Zane

Going Natural

2009-03-24T09:15:00.003-04:00

My apologizes for being a blogger slacker. I really don't feel like updating this thing but I didn't want to just hang it out to dry. My mind has been completely side tracked with the spring season.

Every spring I get that itch to just get the heck outside and leave the world and my busy life behind. It is this time of year that confirms over and over again my heart's desire to be a traveler. Not everyone finds the same communion with nature but I have come to cherish those moments. As long as I can remember I loved backpacking and camping. Recently I picked up a new hobby of fishing and kayaking. I plan to take at minimum five camping/kayaking/fishing trips before the end of May. So needless to say I won't have a ton of time to update this thing. Between my camping trips and youth I will be very busy. Hopefully I'll get around to updating pictures.

If I find any cool Bible verses or encounter any strange phenomenon you'll be sure to know.

Much Love, Zane

Hard Water

2009-02-23T09:33:00.004-05:00

So there's this story in the Bible that has gotten my attention. Before I get into that I must say I am really pissed at myself. This post is helping me understand the funk I've been in, which you may or may not have noticed. So reader be wary, this is a journal after all.

So back to the story. Around the year 50 there was a booming Christian movement in the world. Churches were being started throughout the Middle East and into Southern Europe. And I'm not talking about giant buildings with amphitheater-style sanctuaries and basketball courts. I'm talking about home churches, where neighbors gathered together to talk about this New Gospel...the story of the Jewish Messiah having come and gone. Among these churches was one in town called Laodicea, which was a Roman town in modern-day Turkey. In fact, you can still visit the ruins of city which are apparently in pretty decent shape.

In the last book of the Bible, Jesus appears and asks that a message be sent to the church in Laodicea. The message is something between an admonishment and a warning. Either way I wouldn't want Jesus writing about my life like this. He says that the although the church appears rich in worldly and spiritual ways it is actually spiritually bankrupt. He says Laodicea is a "blind beggar, threadbare and homeless." Famously Jesus says that the church is lukewarm, neither hot nor cold, and that makes it worthless.

There's a whole lot behind this story that I really don't feel like typing out. In a nutshell though I relate my life directly to what's going on here. In recent weeks I have felt incredibly detached and unsatisfied with my spirit. Contrasting how I feel now with I how I felt a month ago is like comparing night to day. I'm telling you we go through these mountain-top and valley phases, this stuff is for real. In the valley I am seeing some very very bad loopholes with my faith, and they are highlighted by this message to Laodicea.

I see myself: convincingly acting faithful even when I'm faithless, spending more time working for God than making time for God (personally you know), feeling indifferent, there is no color or vibrancy to my faith; giving advice and using words to my students that are bland where there is little meaning. What hurts the most is I feel bankrupt of all compassion. As a youth minister, a functional pastor, it is so dangerous to not have compassion.

So reading this story it definitely feels like this was intended for me. I feel like this message has just shot through the heart (and you're to blame) of my crap. You see I'm not a bad person and I do good things, but I'm not hot and I'm not cold. I'm in the middle. I'm bland. I'm lukewarm. I'm hard water. I'm totally not useful at all in these middle places.

So what's the remedy? How do I become useful again?

I don't know. I'm sure there's something about "seeking" or "obeying" or "listening" that's important. That all sounds like a churchy gush right now. I just want somebody to say "hey if you'd quit being a bum and spend 30 minutes a night with God instead of watching Office reruns you'd probably get more out of these valleys".

It seems I only make time to read the Bible when I want to blog something or have to teach at youth. This stuff should be impacting me daily, as part of the renovation efforts, but I don't make the time. I say that as a confession.

So yeah this post was really really for me. If you're interested there's a great article about the Laodicean Church. I like the explanation of the water duct and hard water, hence the title of this post.

Obviously I Don't Care for Buying Clothes

2009-02-13T10:34:00.005-05:00

I still have and often wear the entire outfit. I'm wearing the shoes right now in fact. As a side note, the pose for the picture is absurd. So absurd I find myself still posing in that manner today. Man what is wrong with me.

Shower at the Gym

2009-02-13T09:15:00.003-05:00

It has recently come to my attention that I link to this blog on facebook. Well I guess I already knew that. Typically my blog is relatively personal and sometimes I'll post things about work that I might not want people at work to read. I just assumed the majority, the mass majority, of my facebook friends read my facebook and not my blog. Apparently I was wrong.

So in light of that I just want to mention a few things. First and foremost if you are a coworker and happen across my blog please read it. I am not ashamed of what I write. I intend what I write because I'm documenting whats going on in my life. I won't bash people or complain (too much), but I do attempt to write honestly.

Secondly I realize that I go to the gym with a lot of coworkers, and I must admit it is EXTREMELY awkward to discover this while I'm in/entering/exiting the shower. I can't tell you how many times I have noticed or walked into a coworker in the locker room shower. Why can't we run into each other in the weight room or doing cardio? Seriously is this some sick joke the Heavens are playing on us? Man it is weird. So if you are a coworker and you've seen me naked I'm sorry.

LOL.

Update to Last Post...

2009-02-12T10:37:00.002-05:00

I was reading through a post some months back. See something similar?

http://roostertail.blogspot.com/2008/09/current-dirt.html

I guess C.S. Lewis was right about the "Law of Undulation" (The ScrewTape Letters).

Curious...Very Curious.

I wish I felt blessed...

2009-02-09T23:59:00.003-05:00

At church we are reading through the sermon on the mount. You know, the story where Jesus stands on top of a rock and preaches to a large crowd that followed him there.

To think of a bunch of idiots following a vagabond around waiting for him to say something when most days he ignores them completely, and then finally one day he just jumps on top of this rock and says...

"You are blessed when your life sux". Of course that is me paraphrasing but seriously that is what he said. Go check it out, maybe I'm the only idiot in this story (Mathew 5/Luke 6). Mad props to Josh btw for knowing exactly where those verses were off the top of his head.

Anywhos, back to my point. The Man said to a crowd that had followed him and said you are blessed when you are a wreck, when you feel useless, when you have nothing left to live for, when you've screwed things up beyond the point of reconciliation. Blessed! The reason you are blessed he explains: Because there is less of you there to screw it up more.

Really? That's an interested point Jesus. So are You (the Son of the Creator of the whole Freakin' Universe) telling me that if I live my life as a walking disaster to the point I fall into a pit of despair I'll get to the point where I have absolutely no reason whatsoever to depend on myself and I will have to...HAVE TO...rely on your help. Hmmmm....

Dang it. I should screw up more often. Or maybe I should stop masquerading as a blessed person and just be honest.

So I totally blew off studying the Bible tonight so I can sit on my porch and smoke. I sat there for like 15 minutes in silence, and then I walked inside and wrote this down. Shocking. I'm eating a bowl of Frosted Mini-Wheats right this second and like a light show just went off in my head and I wrote this down. I can't believe this is real.

Dang impressive. I just got f-bombed by my Lord, my Savior and of course...Sarayu.

Obscure Life Update

2009-01-27T11:04:00.003-05:00

Well there has been a lot going on lately. I have had several good friends mention things about life change, career/school decisions, and I thought I would throw my life update in.

You may recall some months back I preached at church. Rather than try to follow Mike's lesson plan I just kinda went with what was on my heart. I talked about purpose and passion, and how God plants these seeds of fire in you that we are meant to pursue. After all a career in a lucrative field is fine and dandy but a journey with the Lord is much more fun. At the time I was not happy with my job, but not simply because of the job. I was unhappy with my career choice. This culminated with my trip to Wyoming when I clearly heard "simplify your life", knowing that I had to stop software engineering as a private venture.

So I did that. I stopped developing outside of work. Then I changed jobs, which you've read the update here. All of this was in the midst of becoming "the" youth minister. After it was all done I still felt restless. I know God has purpose not in the past or in the future, but right now. I was having a hard time seeing it.

But then things started to unfold. About two weeks ago I had this conversation with Mike, and after wards things began to get clearer and clearer. Finally I feel like I see a paved road in front of me. Not a dirt road with twists and turns through the forest: An actual paved road. I feel like God has set some things in motion that cannot be easily described, but I see them. Looking back I now realize some very mysterious things He was doing, and while I was sitting there sorry for myself I was missing it. There is peace in seeing God's hands at work.

My restlessness has settled down quit a bit since then. I have been trying really hard not to tell everyone all the stuff that's been going on. I just don't want to blow it before it all actually happens you know? That's why this is supposed to be an "obscure" life update. But still I have let details slip out because I am just so freaking excited about it.

Best of all without that restlessness I am able to be present. I am reacting to what's going on now rather than what I want to happen or what's happened in the past. I am living now, not living then or not will be living, I am alive now.

So I suppose I have some encouragement for my friends who are in similar spots. This is for you guys who are also looking for the paved path. Maybe you're asking yourself should I change jobs, should I change schools, should I move away or dig in deeper here? Its tough deciding what to do, but read the word and be IN God. The answers will come. You might have to patiently wait for something, but if you're looking you will find it. And as an added bonus we have each other. A community of people searching for the same answers in different contexts. There's power in each other, so use what resources you do have. (John 15:7, Psalms 119:105, Jeremiah 29:13)

Ya Heard, Zane

Long December

2009-01-07T14:11:00.003-05:00

Well I must say I had a particularly good end of 2008. Traveled to Colorado with my brother, father, and step-mom for some ski time in Beaver Creek. We ate very well, had a lot of fun, and relaxed. After CO I traveled the beautiful Alabama Gulf Coast for some beach time with the students. The retreat was amazing despite my stress and lack of sleep. The students simply never stop amazing me.

Of course all of you already knew what I had been up to. I just wanted to post something on my blog for the archives. Hopefully sometime I'll get around to posting some pictures of both trips.

A Time to Rock

2008-12-09T09:25:00.005-05:00

Let me give you some background into my music career.

I started playing the drums when I was in 4th grade. For Christmas that year my mom bought me a snare drum. I started taking lessons, but they didn't last very long because the instructor was a burned out pot-smoking McDonald's-type. Soon enough I was just jamming on my own. I played that drum non-stop. I would create patterns and rhythms to songs that didn't even make sense and certainly did not accompany the song itself.

I was happy with my one drum, and I had no idea my mother had plans to purchase a full kit. She just couldn't afford to buy it all at once so the guy at the music shop (a tiny local shop that is no longer in business) allowed my mom to purchase one drum at a time until we had a full set. By my birthday the next year I had a bass drum and a high-hat. On Christmas I got my crash and ride cymbals. Finally, by 6th grade I had a full set.

For some reason there is something about waiting for my full kit that really made me love the drums. At the time the only room in the house I could keep my kit was in the living room. So everyday my mom would get home from work and my brother would get home from football and I'd be sitting there, stereo blasting to Hendrix or Black Sabbath or Pearl Jam and I'd just be rocking out. I remember my mom would give me like 20 or 30 minutes and then she'd yell "That's ENOOOUUUGGHHHH". My brother, being a typical older brother, would say mean stuff like "Mom tell him to quit he's never going to be any good". Of course that didn't stop my brother from recruiting me to his band when he started one when I was in 6th grade. I remember those days, how much I loved playing the drums.

Of course I grew up, got a job, got a girlfriend, got a Playstation, found Jesus. All of these things distracted me from playing the drums. I remember the highlight of my day would be getting home early in the afternoon and having 1 or 2 hours to practice all to myself. Then things changed and I changed. I no longer practiced everyday but I kept playing in bands. My brother's band (Golem) cost me $175 to record a demo before Zak went off to college while my other band (Ember) was just ramping up. Things were good musically. It was these days that shaped my taste in music that still persists today. I love hardcore, hard rock, and classic rock. That's because I played it in bands and at home with headphones.

I guess that's why I still do it today. I love music and I love playing music. When I was looking for a house to buy, the first (some would argue the only) thing I was looking for was a room to put my drums. I don't care about hardwood floors or crown molding or granite counter tops. I have all of that and it is nice, but I really needed a room that didn't touch outside walls to keep as my drum room.

There's just something special about stepping behind that kit, turning into a kid again, and just going bananas. I'm not the fastest, most technical, best sounding player by any means. But I play with heart. I don't care about mistakes because I'm usually too much into the music and the raw feeling of sticks on drums to notice. Every time I dream about winning the lottery the first thing I buy is a bunch of drums.

Truly a love of my life.

Quick Updates

2008-12-03T09:07:00.002-05:00

Well I wanted to post something rather than nothing, so here are some quick life updates. In the past 10 days...

- Youth Specialties was truly amazing. Surrounding myself with best friends in a magnificent city and being passionately immersed into a ministry culture that still feels fresh and life giving after 5 1/2 years was nice :)

- Thanksgiving was also excellent. Mad props to the wonderful folks and wonderful food and lots of laughs.

- Grandma died, which sucks. The worst part is the event highlights the broken communication with my dad and his family. It feels like pushing snowballs uphill...sometimes you work so hard to gain so little ground.

- NOLA with my mom and Leo. It was a long day of driving but totally worth it. Got some great fried chicken at Fiorella's. By the way the French Quarter is full of life and beautiful this time of year.

- Bama won. Woot Woot.

- Put up Christmas lights on my house for the first time in my life and it looks awesome (only to be outdone by Josh and Johnathan decorating the inside.) The house looks amazing, you simply must stop by and check out our take on Christmas decorations.

- Prayer life has been awesome since YS. I got back into the habit of meditating and praying every (almost) night. Good good stuff. I meditated for around 20 minutes last night, really good stuff.

- Nicks grandma died. What the crap Jesus? Feel bad for him, I think he was closer to his than I was to mine.

- Granddaddy Jim (Jordan, Jarrod, Devin's granddad) is in the hospital. Seriously, Jesus?

- Back on the diet. Go me.

Whew...there's more but I think that's enough for now.

New Job Update

2008-11-19T10:44:00.004-05:00

I realize I haven't posted any news about the new job. The basics: I really like the job because of the people. Big surprise there right? The work is better. I am enjoying it more and I can definitely see the potential for it to be more rewarding than my previous job. But I just don't care about any of that. I enjoy people and the people at my new job are cool.

After being here a few weeks I feel like I've learned a little bit about most of the people I work with. There is a fellow Eagle Scout and he serves as my quasi-manager. He is also into some cool jams (he gave me all of Dropkick Murphy's cds.) There are two people, one older and one younger, who are strong believers. Typically that doesn't matter much to me, but somehow there's a level of comfort by having people around who just "get it." My lifestyle often generates a lot of curious questions from people who don't. One my favorite peeps is this super cool/mellow little hippie guy who plays bass in a couple bands. We talk about music, guns, Tuscaloosa, and anything in between. There's a young gentleman who plays WoW and is awaiting the release of StarCraft II, and therefore I immediately formed a friendship with him. I also work with a fellow iPhoner and he has become the funniest guys in the office to me. Whatever he says crack me up, I've left crying a few times...great guy. There is a die-hard Auburn fan who seems to be in denial and though I don't work with him much he seems pretty sure of himself. Finally my boss, who I know the least about but that might be a good thing.

So there you go. No major incidents thus far. I did fall out of my chair once and knock down my white-board which was embarrassing, but I got over it.

Take It Back!

2008-11-10T10:25:00.004-05:00

On Friday night we played with Take It Back! It was one of the most enjoyable shows I've had with SZ. I really enjoyed meeting the band and catching up with the guys. They all seemed down to Earth just all around good guys.

During the show they mentioned the reasons the band was formed. TIB was formed because the hardcore scene has lost its love for God. Contrary to what many people believe hardcore is deeply rooted in a punk movement towards God (and other alternative lifestyles). The fact remains that while many punk/hardcore kids were turning towards partying, many were turning to celibate/drug-free/Christian ideals. Some were Christian, some were not, but many were embracing a life of love and clean-living in order to achieve a fulfillment that's not possible with drugs/booze/sex. The scene has definitely walked away from that...at least it has in Birmingham and Fayetville, AR where TIB is from.

It was a just a breathe for fresh air to hear another band speak of that. I know we talk about in our lyrics, but TIB in a subtle way called out a lot of people. I love the music behind hardcore, but the passion and message is more important. Bands have stopped standing for things, and just started acting like Rock Stars...and it is really getting old.

TIB stands for Truth and "reformation" in the scene. I'm on board with them.

Good Leadership

2008-11-05T14:06:00.004-05:00

Proverbs 20:28 - "Love and truth form a good leader; sound leadership is founded on loving integrity."

For some reason I am really struggling with my leadership role at church. I just assumed it would be an easy transition and my role would not change that much. I was recklessly wrong.

I found this scripture yesterday. There is so much information in the Bible about leadership but for some reason this verse stuck out to me. I feel I should reevaluate my actions in light of these things, starting with love.

Love after all is the most important commandment according to Jesus. I should show my team and students that I love them. Even when I disagree or see a need for correction, my actions should be dictated by the same divine Love that corrects me.

Secondly is Truth. I left Wyoming with such a charisma for honesty, and yet somehow the opportunity to impart that has slipped through my fingers. I believe honesty is key to having a successful team. Yet I find myself holding my tongue or holding back words because it is more difficult to be honest than it is to be civil with one another. Man I need to grow a pair already.

Reckless. Lee was reckless. He was reckless in loving others because he would fight to the death for anyone he led. He was reckless for being true with others because he was a severely honest person. I should have been taking notes.

Grace and Peace, Zane

Twenty-Somethings

2008-10-29T09:43:00.003-04:00

I am almost 25. Hol-eee-crap. It is kinda scary...

I talked with Mike last night. He asked me questions like "what is your vision for your life", "what are your dreams". I had no real responses, because I don't know. Mike related to that. He's been there too. Mike said he remembers at one point in his 20s feeling like he had no clue what the future held for him. After he began in ministry and he began the struggle to find passion and purpose he recalls feeling unsatisfied and lost. "Is this ever going to end?" his emotions would say. I can relate to that.

My life has been college for 4 years then working for over 2. My parents gracefully pushed me into independence and life smacked me in the face. I can no longer afford to be irresponsible and now that I have the responsibility I finally have to decide for myself. What do I want?

Being twenty-something. Oh the decisions. Oh the responsibilities. Yet the opportunities. The world is at our fingertips and we have no clue what to do.

Galveston Pictures

2008-10-07T23:12:00.005-04:00

Finally got around to uploading some Galveston pictures. If you have any question about the pictures just ask, I didn't feel like adding captions. A lot of the stuff pictured is stuff my mom is having to throw away. The water that came into the house was full of petroleum products and bacteria, so if it touched the water it has to be destroyed.

Candidate Matching Game

2008-10-01T10:27:00.003-04:00

I promise I'm not trying to push my presidential candidate. I just took this quiz and thought the results were so stereotypical it was hilarious. If you know anything about me at all you can name my candidate without even thinking about it. It is also quit humorous to me that the one area I disagreed with my candidate was on Gay Marriage. My views on homosexuality and gay marriage are the only issues that make me more moderate. If you're interested in the quiz you can take it here.

The Death of the Diet

2008-09-24T09:46:00.002-04:00

Have you ever experienced frustration with dieting, working out, or trying to quit smoking, drinking, whatever?

I believe everyone has their vices, and typically people would like to deal with those vices. But what in the hell makes it so hard? It is like I really want to diet. I really want to loose some weight. I really want to work out hard and build some muscle tone. But I always manage to find ways to take it easy on my workouts, or to sneak food, or to ignore my sense of self-discipline.

For a long time I was convinced it all came back to an issue with my heart. I believed that somewhere in my heart there was sin, and it kept me from dealing with these "strongholds" or vices. I call it a stronghold because it is a place the devil has made himself present in my life, and it seems difficult to get him out. They are strongholds of the devil, its just weird to think about it like that.

SO...I'm frustrated with dieting. Again. What's upsetting is I feel like I have been on a strict diet since February, but if you look at what I have been eating you can hardly tell I've been on a diet at all. So mentally I have been trying very hard, but physically I haven't been trying that much.

It is very freakin' frustrating to think about it like that. It is like there's this massive disconnect between my body, my mind, and my spirit. In my mind, I want so badly to do the right thing to meet my goals, but I'm rarely capable of pushing myself to my potential. This struggle makes my body suffer because I'm not pushing as hard, it makes my spirit weak because it is chocked up as another failure, and those both influence my mind. And I find that incredibly ironic because my new years resolution was to get my mind, body, and spirit back to a healthy equilibrium.

"21-23It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.

24I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question?

25The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different."

The resolve is always Christ. I am just finding that hard to be applicable. How is Jesus going to help me stay motivated to eat vegetables instead of M & Ms, eat turkey breast instead of red meat, or put down the caffeine for water? How in the world is my spiritual belief in Christ going to influence my weight loss plan?

I don't know. That's what I'm having trouble with. Maybe that is the issue of my heart. That I don't value Christ highly enough in my life that I find the motivation to keep going. So I momentarily give up. I give up when I sneak M & Ms into my lunch bag. I give up when I skip running on the treadmill. That goes back to Christ. I love God enough to realize I have to be healthy and make some difficult changes in my life, but not enough to follow through with those changes.

Oy, help me God. I want to value Christ more in my life.

iPhone Pic

2008-09-23T10:48:00.003-04:00

Bored at work yesterday and I was a little frustrated.

Fun w/ Webcam

2008-09-16T22:22:00.002-04:00

Current Dirt

2008-09-16T11:34:00.003-04:00

Rather than not posting anything, which I normally do, I decided to post my current dirt. These are the things that are keeping me from God. Inspirational words of wisdom welcome, however your "understanding sympathy" is not. If you understand and sympathize, post your own dirt. Then we can all wallow around in the mess we've made of our lives and together we will realize the magnitude of forgiveness.

- Wishing I had the drive to diet again
- Another Lock-in Friday, I wish I was looking forward to it more
- Feeling lonely, nagging desire for female companionship
- Too many lustful sins and its only Tuesday
- The last thing on the planet I want to do, other than fold clothes, is work on a ministry plan for 2009
- Still trying to catch up on sleep from the Middle School Lock-in, this makes me grumpy
- Thinking about fasting, but I don't really want to
- Two interviews this week, which is ironic because I'm somewhat pleased with my current employer this week
- Rock Band 2 is coming out
- The house needs a good cleaning, which I won't do because I am lazy
- Still a couple thousand dollars floating on my credit card, money always stresses me out
- Setting up interviews while I am at work makes me feel un-ethical
- I cuss too much
- Something has to change about my workouts, because I'm no longer seeing results
- I can not remember the last time I renewed my mind
- I don't feel like talking to anybody
- Right now there is a good chance my mom's house is floating in the Gulf of Mexico
- I wish I had better idea for blog posts, rather than the random updates
- The church website sucks, and its my fault
- In fact, all websites I've ever worked on ever suck...and its all my fault
- I wish I would have gone to school for something else
- Realizing you would be happier working at an Arby's for less than half of what you currently make is depressing

Ahh...now I feel better to let that out. Sometimes it is hard to see God through all of the dirt. The dirty dry reality of our choices leads us down these empty paths of meaningless results. Yet somehow through His infinity we find hope, joy, peace, happiness, kindness, love. Its just hard sometimes to push the dirt out of the way long enough to realize it. Despite myself, I am blessed.

Grace and Peace, Zane

September 11, 2001

2008-09-11T10:18:00.003-04:00

Ramblings

2008-09-05T09:55:00.002-04:00

Strike Zone is playing the Fish tonight. I am really excited about it. There's a lot of hype surrounding the show because of All In's CD release and the new "cool" band Year One. We are playing first so if you're coming get there early. We've cut our set-list down considerably, and I'm not sure how that's going to go. In all, we probably only have about 20 minutes worth of music. We should either get on the ball with these new songs or keep playing some of the old favorites.

I am very tired. Not enough sleep the last couple of days.

This weekend I am going to be domestic. I was debating on working at my house or going to the leadership retreat. I feel like working in my yard/garage and then having a beer sounds like the right plan :) This is what I hope to accomplish: till up my garden, replant my garden, plant a tree, sweep the driveway, clean the garage, build workbench. I've been meaning to build that stupid bench for months. That is truly the project that may never be completed.

I've enjoyed my youth duties this week for the most part. We are making great progress on the lock-ins and we've come up with some really amazing/out-of-the-box ideas. The team is phenomenal, I could have never imagined some of this stuff.

I've been reading some of the classifieds on CraigsList. If you've ever been to CL you know what I'm talking about. I wonder if I should put something on there, and if I did what would it say. Probably something like: insanely hot 24 year youth minister/software engineer looking for cool chick with no drama who wants to be friends first. Of course then I'd have to put my picture on there.

I'm worried about my brother, again. He lost his girlfriend, again. He's been very quiet and reserved, not wanting to talk to anyone about anything...again. Last time it was bad, but I was living with him so I felt like I could kinda keep an eye on him.

Grace and Peace, Zane

Wyoming Update

2008-08-26T09:57:00.011-04:00

This will be my Wyoming update post, even though I got back from the trip over a week ago.

In a nutshell, my trip was everything I hoped it would be. It was a much needed retreat from life, and a chance to organize my thoughts and priorities. I feel like I made some decisions that will keep me focused on the present, and not worried so much about the future. Also, I got a chance to develop my leadership skills through good information and real-life leadership labs. It was really good. I highly recommend NOLS to anyone that is interested in developing leadership and has the guts to live in the back-country.

Of the decisions I made, the biggest one was to stop pursing my own business. Over the last 2 years or so I have made a few attempts to get a website business off of the ground. I have started to slowly shed that work simply because it takes too much time, money, and stress to keep afloat. After that I had a few solid entrepreneurial ideas, however I've decided that again I do not have the time or the capital to truly invest myself into another venture. Most importantly, I have plenty of work to do at the church and I feel the greatest reward will come from serving there. In short, my attention has been divided by too many activities for too long. By letting go of some of these "pipe dreams" I'll be able to focus more on ICY and less on money and business.

Now we can move on the pictures. I uploaded most of my pictures to flickr, but if you don't have the time to surf there here are some highlights.

Picture of me on the trail

This is the most common "scenery" I saw.

Europe Canyon, it looked like a foreign planet.

View from the top of Mt. Victor, this was my highlight of the trip.

My biggest fish, 19"

The Cahaba

2008-07-23T09:30:00.002-04:00

I was lucky enough to go fishing down at the Cahaba with Mike yesterday afternoon. It was amazing. I'm sorely upset that I did not bring my camera. The scenery was stunning. I have been down to the Cahaba a few times in the Helena/Hoover area. Once it gets south of the Birmingham donut it really opens up and looks amazing.

Of course we didn't catch any fish. That is pretty much the standard when I am around. I simply scare fish. I think it is a sic-sense I have. Somewhere in my DNA my body is trained to be fearful of fish, so my skin emits a toxin into the water that serves as a sort of "tornado siren" to the fish.

That makes sense to me.

Really though I did not mind not catching fish. Being in God's creation and learning new skills with a good friend was enough.

Sleep

2008-07-18T12:29:00.004-04:00

So I have a goal: Get in the bed by 11:00 every night. Get out of the bed by 6:30 every morning. That should afford me at least seven hours of sleep per night. That doesn't sound too complicated does it?

For some reason, this is an un-accomplish-able task for me. It seems no matter how hard I try, this goal will never be reached. Whether there is programming work, a book to read, my work-out regiment, socializing with friends, etc., something always keeps me from going to bed. ALWAYS. And it is really hard for me to prioritize sleep over those things.

If I am programming late at night, such as this last week, then it is usually because it is urgent, as it was this last week. I don't want to let my customers down, they depend on me.

I am finding reading is more and more important. I have to expand my horizons, if I'm not growing forward I'm growing backward. This includes reading the Bible. I've got to make time for that, even if it is later at night.

It is no secret I work-out most nights. But how do tell your body no so you can tell your body yes? If I skip the gym to get an extra hour of sleep I'll regret it. My body needs to be in training mode, a single day of skipping the gym can set me back. This has been proven.

There are occasions where I stay up late socializing. Either on the phone or in person...usually the later. This is incredibly important. I spend so much time doing other stuff there are a lot of relationships out there that have suffered. I need to stay caught up with my friends, I depend on that.

Last week, I reached my sleep goal 4 nights in a row. For four days I was in bed at night early and out of the bed in the morning early. I had time to get ready for work, fix my lunch, read my Bible. It was magical. I felt refreshed. I felt spiritual. It was good. Then this week, I don't know what happened. I've been stuck out late. I get home, try to go to the gym, get some work done, whatever...I don't think I have been in bed before 1:00 all week. And holy crap it is starting to catch up with me today. I feel like I am high on drugs. My head feels small. Everything around me is moving is fast forward. People were talking to me this morning and it was like they were talking so fast I was annoyed by their words. Its almost noon and I'm still tired.

WTF?

Dinner With Two Ladies

2008-07-15T01:41:00.002-04:00

Did you know that widows don't like to be called that?

I had dinner tonight with two amazing ladies. They are so awesome that Mr. Ray at church even called them "HOT!".

I had dinner with Cathy and Vicki tonight, and it was truly a blessing. In so many ways they shared their heart with me, and the comfort and reassurance they gave me truly was priceless. I wasn't sure how it would be tonight, if it would seem awkward or not, but we had a blast just sitting around talking and sharing stories.

I've been reading Kendall and LeAlan's blogs, and I must say they have touched my spirit. That is truly what I've desired from sharing this stuff with you guys...the chance to sharpen each other's spirits. Thanks guys for being raw and honest.

Grace and Peace, Zane

Quick Updates

2008-07-11T10:22:00.002-04:00

Awesome vacation at lake. Re-learned how to mountain bike. Attempted to water-ski. Ate a lot of food. Trying to lose weight. Web server crashed. Stressed over crashed websites. Became leader of youth. Looking forward to WY. Mending relationships at work. Blessed.

You People are Nerds

2008-06-25T15:32:00.001-04:00

So I posted a poll because it looked fun. The number 1 thing you would do if you could do anything: Learn to speak another language. I voted to become a beet farmer.

I got a camera

2008-06-23T01:47:00.009-04:00

I got a new camera and it is cool. Here are some pictures. These are the best out of like a gazillion I've taken.

First Motorcycle

2008-06-10T14:27:00.002-04:00

So I sold my motorcycle. It was bittersweet. I really enjoyed the bike when I had it, but I never had time to ride it. I honestly believe it increased my cool-factor. So I'm left without a motorcycle and coolness :(

Something incredibly ironic did happen though. I actually had refused to sell my motorcycle to someone because they are somewhat close to me. I was afraid they would be careless and end up hurting themselves on it. The irony came when I sold the motorcycle to someone else. The guy came to my house, we signed the papers, he handed over the money, and then he wrecked the motorcycle. Seriously, the guy pulling out of my driveway ran into the trailer across the street. There are more details that I won't post here, but it was funny. I felt bad for the guy, and at the same time a little worried. I mean how weird is it that I sell it to a guy who immediately wrecks it?

The crash went something like this...

The Bear

2008-06-04T02:49:00.003-04:00

Restless in sleep, restless in life. Night sometimes brings hopeless. The kind of hopeless feeling that can only be described as "evil". The day brings stresses of its own, but nothing compared to night.

It all starts with restlessness. My mind spins uncontrollably, jumping from thought to thought. None are positive. All thoughts center on tasks; this must be done, then this, oh I have to do this, don't forget this. On and on and on. I imagine this is my worst nightmare. Living a life of empty tasks where nothing is meaningful. Nothing brings me towards my goals. Then I come to my senses, briefly. "Chillax Zane, worry about it tomorrow". And I will.

I drift off. I was camping in the Wind River Range in Wyoming (just outside of Lander). In the middle of the night a grizzly bear got into our food. My fellow campers and I fled to a nearby hill where we spent the night in fear. Not pure fear of the bear, but fear of getting in his way. Bears sometimes have a hard time telling the difference between friend and foe. In the morning we awoke to a trampled campsite. As we begin to gather ourselves, the bear returns. This time he was behind us, ready to fight for what he thought was rightfully his.

My mind shifts. Back to sleep, back to worry. Non-stop pounding on the doors of my heart. Something inside my heart begs to be set free. I know exactly what it is. The thought brings joy and hope. But then its tainted. I feel sorrow again because I can't let go, just not yet. I'm not ready. It shouts "LET GO". NO. I've got myself into this, I must get myself out. I awake again. I plead, "God ease my mind. Give me rest. I know I'm unworthy of your mercy and grace, but pleeeeaaaseee..."

Back to sleep. I squirm in my bed. As I squirm so does a figure in front of me. In the same movement, the same rhythm, the same feeling of desperation, the figure in front of me matches me perfectly. I turn on the light and I see the figure clearly. It is the pelt of a grizzly bear, hanging in a closet, freshly harvested from the Earth. Bold black x's cover the eyes. The bear is dead.

I wake up again. Now I'm typing. I don't know what this dream means. I don't know why I get attacked like this. These nights expose so much. I feel like I've been laid bare and all of my faults, problems, stresses are in front of me. I want to cry. I want to shout. I want resolve.

I know it won't happen. Not tonight anyway. Life is process, so I'm learning. Nothing is fixed magically in a split-decision.

The bear scared me. So I post the happiest bear I could find at 2 am.

Grace and peace, Zane

The Challenge

2008-05-30T13:42:00.002-04:00

“The Creator has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do” ~ Orison Swett Marden

We bury ourselves into jobs, responsibilities, and situations that bring us no joy and satisfaction, and there in the back of our mind is that urge to know and find and fall in to the purpose we were created for.

“Can a mortal ask questions which God finds unanswerable? Quite easily, I should think. All nonsense questions are unanswerable.” ~ C.S. Lewis

We are all stupid, there is a better way we just have to let go of control.

"If the world did not suck, we'd all fall off" ~ William Jordan Glasgow

Life is filled with rocks, pot-holes, and walls all designed to make the journey difficult and trying, however it wouldn't be worth doing if it was easy.

“I fear one day I'll meet God, he'll sneeze and I won't know what to say.”

I am remembering that God is really really big.

“I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter.” ~ Winston Churchill

Resistance is futile.

The Sipsey

2008-05-28T01:53:00.006-04:00

We had a lot of fun, even though the trip was a bit of a bust. This is my smiling mug at the end of the long paddle.

My view for most of the trip :)

Beautifully clear water, it is an almost-virgin forest.

LeAlan at the end of the long paddle :) Don't overlook the waterfall.

Youth and the InnerChange

2008-05-22T10:31:00.006-04:00

I just responded to an email from Mike. I feel exhausted. You know how sometimes you get rolling on a thought and you keep writing...and writing...and writing.

There's a lot of youth that come to our church. A lot. Sit with Josh sometime and go through the pictures he has. Go to our myspace. Go to Jenny's site. Go to battleground or the Fish. I would say in the last five years, since the InnerChange has been alive, we have ministered to THOUSANDS of students. Maybe more. And we HAVE seen lives changed. We HAVE seen disciples being born.

And we've seen hurt. We've lived through the downs of life and the pits of death.

I think the ICY team is getting burned out. We've been carrying a heavy load...school, work, painting, cleaning, planning, teaching, relationship drama, life drama. And then I sit here and I take a second...just a second...to reflect on what has happened and what God has done. And then I remember, I'm not done yet. There is more to do.

When Lee went to heaven I know God said "well done my good and faithful servant". He and Cathy did a great job. All of the students, all of the youth ministries, Lee had a hand in. He built the first skate park for crying out loud. He started ICY in Mike's garage. He planned with Jennifer to get the Fish at the IC. Now God has brought him home, and He has entrusted this wonderful thing to us.

There is a mountain to climb to attain our goals. There's a lot more that needs to be done. More planning, more painting, more cleaning, more building, more systems. But all of that is to bring to life the vision that God has given us. And He has given us vision. I know it.

There is a time for rebuilding our Jerusalem. Our sacred city of refuge from the world, our place of worship. That time is now. (my interpretation of Micah 7:11)

Big Dreams

2008-05-19T10:00:00.005-04:00

Please allow me to summarize the last three hours of my life last night.

Tennis was fun. My team lost which really irks my competitive side, but nonetheless we had a lot of fun.

Go to the gym. At the gym I start thinking about the guy that owns the gym. He started with one in Chelsea now he owns three gyms and two tanning salons. Hit the treadmill after some weights and all I can think about is snow cones. What is God saying? Random I know right.

I drive home, take a shower, and I sit in my chair. These days when I pray I try to be on the ground, sometimes in my meditation corner, sometimes just in the floor. I was in my chair because I was tired. I started to pray and felt very sleepy. My prayer started out, "Dear Lord, I just want to quit my job...I just want to work for myself...I just want to be free to live my life......." I fell asleep. I woke up about an hour later and crawled into my bed where my dreams resumed.

I feel like I'm just shooting in the dark. I'm not moving towards my dreams, but I'm not running from them either. I criticize people for waiting until opportunity knocks, rather than seizing the opportunity. I feel like I've become that. I'm just waiting for God to do it for me. Not cool.

California

2008-05-13T15:40:00.004-04:00

California really looks beautiful. I would love to travel there someday. I met my sisters biological sister at her wedding. Her sister's name is Ashley and she is 20. She told me that every morning homeless crackheads dig through her trash and look for unlocked windows and doors to break in to. She lives in California and wants to move to Alabama. When asked why she said because she wants to move away from the drama and closer to family. I hope she makes it.

I have heard people in Alabama say several times that California will eventually break off into the ocean. This is most likely due to the San Andreas Fault. I wonder if they say that in California?

Success

2008-05-12T10:55:00.002-04:00

The fiesta was a blast. I finally feel like we got the house good and broken in. I really appreciate everybody that came, we never dreamed we would have such a good turnout.

On a side note. My house smells like beer. Flashback to dorm parties...ugh.

Have a good week.

quién es listo para una fiesta

2008-05-06T09:58:00.003-04:00

Ready for a fiesta?

In case you haven't heard, Josh and I are throwing a party this Saturday. The festivities should start around 5 and end whenever. Call/Txt/Email for the directions.

It is a funny feeling to want people to come over to my house. I honestly haven't felt like I've had a home for a long time; ever since I moved out as a freshman.

Its not that I didn't enjoy the dorms, apartments, tents, the Glasgow's. I just really never felt like I was home. When I would think about sleeping, I would not think about sleeping in my bed in Debbie's basement. I would just fall asleep wherever I was at. It was kinda like, where I lay my head that's my home for that moment.

Then I got a house about five months ago, and it is really starting to feel like home. I think it feels like home not because my stuff is there, but because it is my project. There are things that need to be done, and I am the only one that can do them.

You know that's a bit of a weird feeling for me. I want people to come to my house. I finally have something to show off.

Random Thought

2008-04-30T16:45:00.004-04:00

At first this just seemed like a phase I was going through. It was such a random thought I assumed I would eventually forget it and how weird it was.

But this once random day-dream has now become an intriguing little thought.

Sometimes I think...what if I had a tail. Not like a little yorkie nub, or a long straight labrador tail. I mean like a long pelted tail like a lion or a tiger. In my mind, it is silver gray and it reaches all the way past the top of my head. I imagine a lot of people have tails, but not everybody. Being born with a tail is often genetic, but sometimes its random. Having a tail is similar to being red-headed. Only a relatively small percent of the population is with tail. A lot of people think having a tail makes you attractive. Someone even created an artificial tail prosthesis. Some people have dog-like tails, some people have feline-like tails such as mine. The feline tail is highly desirable because it is more flexible, though not as strong as the dog-like tail. My tail got injured a few times. Once playing football it was almost broken by being stepped on. Another time my tail was sprained when Noelle tried to swing from it as I was sitting on the porch at the lake.

Isn't that strange? In my head there is an entire race of humans with tails.

The more I think about this, the more I realize how applicable this is to social science. As a human, without a tail, I often find myself desiring to look like someone else. I want to be thin, I want to be muscular, I want to be taller, I want to have a better nose, red-less ears, thicker hair. Call me superficial, shallow, whatever. But honestly, when you imagine yourself in your dreams do you look exactly like you look in real life? I know I don't.

In my mind, everybody wants to have a tail. No matter how impractical or ridiculous it is, everybody wants a tail.

Interesting fact, I've never seen cats. Which is not exactly relevant because Cats is a story where humans play cats that have human-like qualities. Whereas, in my mind we are humans who have cat/dog like qualities.

Road Trip

2008-04-24T17:29:00.003-04:00

I think I'm going to take a road trip. I am pretty sure it would be good to clear my head.

I could start Memorial Day weekend. I might start at the lake, then go see my Grandma in Tonganoxie, KS, make my way down to Galveston,TX to see my folks, and I could top it off with a drive to Amarillo, TX to eat at The Big Texan. If there's time, I could make my way out to Philmont.

I'll need a camera.

Malnutrition?

2008-04-15T10:17:00.006-04:00

This is me being sad. For no particular reason I came home from the gym last night in a foul mood. I have been in the same foul mood this morning.

Well, there actually are some pretty good reasons to be sad. First of all, I gained a pound yesterday because I ate like a pig. I went to an "all-you-can-eat" sushi buffet and literally ate "all-that-I-could-eat". For dinner, I had Milo's...double cheeseburger, french fries, extra sauce, apple pie. After all that food, I go to the gym expecting a miracle and what do you know, I gained a pound. At the sight of gaining a pound I loose all confidence in dieting and working out and I resolve within myself that it is all pointless and I should just give up. I came home and put on my sad face.

I hopped in the shower, talked to God a little bit, and decided that it was my fault I gained a pound. I remembered that dieting really is working, and regardless of how much weight I gain or loose it is worth it to live a healthier life. I decided to take a picture of my sad face so that I can document exactly how ridiculous my mood swings are sometimes.

My lymph-nodes are swollen. It took me awhile to decide that those crazy giant bumps in several peculiar places might actually be important. At first i didn't think anything of it. When they didn't "go away" and I decided they were lymph-nodes, I did a little more research. Having lymph-nodes swollen in multiple places is really really not a good thing. From what I gathered off of web-md, it means you either have cancer OR your body is fighting off an infection. Well I haven't been noticeably sick, other than a few sniffles. So I did what all rational men do...I panicked. I started thinking I had cancer. It scared the shit out of me. Then I read another article online that said I should wait at least a month before I officially panicked. Because your lymph-nodes are part of your lymphatic system, they are prone to react to changes in your body's cycles. What I've determined is I have recently drastically changed my physical activities and I've recently struggled with pollen, therefore my lymph-nodes have swollen. I noticed yesterday that they have gone down considerably.

There are two things that I am tired of dealing with; painting the youth room, and girls.

This is a picture of me just after finishing the ceiling in the youth room. My fingernails still have black crap showing. I'm tired of my work-neighbors telling me I should shower. My feet hurt just thinking about painting. I'm tired of stressing over that stupid freaking paint-gun.

Seriously, when I dream, I dream about having a theater where we can play rock band and show movies. I think about the students that could come and enjoy our drinks, our popcorn, and maybe learn a thing or two about Jesus. I guess it doesn't matter how tired I am of painting. The painting is only the process by which we will "earn" a platform for ministry. God has challenged me, and I want to meet that challenge.

I am tired of dealing with girls. I have awesome girls in my life. There's not a single girl-friend (not girlfriend) in my life that I don't love dearly. But really, girls are from another planet. I don't understand. I may never understand. At the peak of my dismay, the point to which I'm ready to give up and never try again, I fall back into "the trap". You know, I've realized that I CAN be single. I've been single for years and years. Last girlfriend -> 1 month ago. Last girlfriend before her -> 6 months. Last girlfriend before her -> 3 years. Last girlfriend before her -> 2 years. I know I can be single. Things are so much more simple when I'm single. Make sense? Of course it doesn't :)

This post is in honor of Kendall and Staci. Both girls. Both crazy. It is impossible for me to completely understand them. Yet I love them both dearly, and they frequently post random factoids about their life. So I decided to imitate.

My Nemesis

2008-04-08T17:03:00.003-04:00

These things look evil don't they?

This is an enlarged image of pollen, my current nemesis. I have not been feeling well lately, and as odd as it sounds I pray that it is pollen making me ill and not something more serious. I have all of the typical symptoms so your guess is as good as mine.

Big Fishing Trip

2008-04-03T10:38:00.003-04:00

I am going on a big fishing trip this weekend. We are leaving tonight. I am so excited about going, so much so that I can't seem to do anything but think about fish. I really doubt any work will get done today.

So I decided to tell you all about it, and post some pictures from last years trip. That's a picture of me pulling in a brown last year. I let this one go because he wasn't that big. Not a keeper.

In all honesty. I am not really a good fisherman. I just love doing it. I love buying the tackle. I love getting in a boat. I love the action of casting and retrieving. I really love to hook a fish, even if it doesn't happen that often. I love being with the guys.

This is an emotional trip too. Lee took a bunch of us guys fishing to the same place, the same time last year. I remember he pissed me off so bad. By the time we got home I was sick of him. We were in the boat one day, and Chris Alvis and LeAlan were pulling in trout after trout. I was not catching anything. Lee was driving the boat so he wasn't really fishing much, he was letting us do all of the catching. Well I got a little "upset" because I could not hook a fish. Lee finally got tired of my bitching and he said "give me yer rod". So I gave him my rod. Literally, the first cast he hooked a big rainbow trout. Bigger than anything I had caught the entire trip. My ears turned blood red. He pulled the fish in and handed it to me to put in the live well. Then he just kind of smiled, that stupid/goofy smart-ass smile. There was this awkward silence for a moment. Lee then just handed me my rod, and I resumed fishing. I finally got into a rhythm after that.

On the drive home, LeAlan and I were two seconds from pulling the car over and walking home. Chris and Lee talked non-stop on the drive. Telling lame fish story after story. And none of them were true. LeAlan gave me this look that said "omg I'm going to go insane". I agreed.

Well we all know what happened two weeks after we got home. Somehow, that made our fishing trip that much more special. I cherish those memories now. It was absolutely everything I want to remember Lee for. This year, the same crew is going back. Same place. Same lodge. Just minus Lee. It is almost like a tribute to be going. I feel compelled to go. If they had told me at work that I can't take the time off, I would have quit. I'm sure we'll tell Lee stories. I'm sure I'll cry at least once for missing him. At the end of the day though, I hope to honor him by catching a fish :)

Peace and Grace, Zane

Not Public / Blog Guidelines

2008-03-31T09:53:00.007-04:00

I don't have anything of value to post. I really would like to blog more often, however it is hard to just make stuff up to talk about. I would like to blog more often, simply because its fun. It is nice to have a random thought, share it through a blog, and then wait for people to respond. That brings me to my next point. We should comment on other's blogs more often. This makes blogging more fun because it completes the circle of bloglife. Without the comments blogs seem impersonal, bleak, and boring.

By the way, I do have stuff I would like to blog about. However, it is too personal to blog at this time. Josh, my roommate, suggested that we not share so much personal stuff on public blogs. Sometimes personal stuff should not be carelessly thrown into the blogosphere. I say a good rule of thumb is if you can't say it in real life, then you shouldn't be blogging about it.

To make up for my lack of quality blog, I will post some funny emergency warning signs. You can find the rest at safenow.org.

If a door is closed, karate chop it open.

If your building collapses, climb under your table and practice yoga postures.

Try to absorb as much of the radiation as possible with your groin region. The current world record is 5 minutes, 12 seconds.

I pray

2008-03-24T00:56:00.005-04:00

...that one day my head will be small enough to fit in the entire picture!

They say that the camera adds 10 pounds. Let's stick with that excuse.

In response to Staci's pictures. (No explanation needed)

to be blessed

2008-03-21T14:01:00.006-04:00

In honor of this being Easter weekend, I am going to take a moment and reflect on where I am spiritually right now...

For some reason I want to compare "to be blessed" with "to be continued". I guess that's where I am spiritually right now, it is "to be continued".

I feel like I was running through the desert in 2006. I was in some dry spots, there wasn't anything very refreshing spiritually, no water, no shade (I was constantly in the heat), I could relax a little at night when I could hide from the sun. But I was making progress in that desert. I was running when I could. Pushing forward, forcing myself to to go farther, forcing myself to keep on going no matter what. Never give up, never give in (as I've heard a famous lyricist once say).

Just as in 2006, I started off running in 2007. I was moving and shaking. Making good decisions, making progress. Finally, I found some contentment with the desert I was in. I had found some friends along the way. I wasn't alone anymore. Finally I had people to share with. People who knew what commitment it took to keep running. I started to believe that I could live in the desert, that I could survive there. I started to slow down, I didn't stop running, but I switched from a sprint to a jog. Finally, some relief.

And then it happened. Whooosh. Quicksand. In an instant, I lost complete control. Up to my neck in hot muddy sand. Something had happened to me in that desert that literally stopped my spiritual journey all together. 2007 was bleak after that. No running. No water. Exhaustion from it all. The weight of the sand on my chest squeezed me. I had little left. I've been in this quicksand, unable to fight back. Knowing the struggle of getting out might take my life, but sitting in this hot box trap is not a healthy way to live.

There's always hope...

Slowly. I recover. I realize that I'm not alone in this sand trap. I have friends who have fallen too. Though I may not be able to lift myself out, I know that we can lift each other out. We lose some along the way. Together we grab hold, cling together, fighting with passion and persistence. Together we refuse to give in to death.

Now I'm close to being completely out. I'm no longer sinking. I'm starting to recover, to regain strength, to regain passion. I start to jog. Suddenly I stop looking back at the death that lays behind, and I look towards the path in front of me. I see a jungle. It is very green, full of sweet fruits, and refreshing water. I thirst for the jungle. I see it clearly now. Soon I will begin sprinting again.

In the back of my mind I know the jungle presents challenges. There are dangers waiting for me in there as well, but there's also nourishment. Its where I'm called to survive. I'm not a desert dweller, I'm a jungle lover. The jungle is where I was born.

The jungle is imminent now. I will be there soon. God will bring the jungle to me, I know it. I believe it in faith. He trusts me though I do not trust myself. He encourages me even when I discourage myself. He is my rescuer. He is my resolve.

Anyway, big Easters plans?

Zane

Hope Is...

2008-03-12T11:06:00.006-04:00

This is our moment
Will you stand with me?
Hope is not lost
Hope is not lost

Let the strength
Of your words
Be the spark
That ignites the flame
Proclaim your freedom
Give voice to your liberation

This is my confession
Mark these words - we will rise

Weep no more
We will prevail
Grieve no more
We will prevail

- Hope Is... by Killswitch Engage

I love these lyrics. When I saw the song title on my iPod I had to look it up. I'm trying to adopt the phrase "there's always hope". I think I've been pretty successful at it. I read this song and I was like hellz yeah, these guys get it too. Of course this isn't a Christian band, and there's some anti-religious remarks in the song as well. But I say good for them. They're speaking what's on their hearts, and they are telling thousands of teenagers that hope is not lost. Hallelujah for that.

Nothing new to report.

2008-03-06T10:11:00.005-05:00

Its funny, but I say "there's nothing new to report". That is a typical response from me to the question "what's going on?". Its funny, because that is actually never the case. There is always something new to report, or something old that has become new, or something has changed. Right?

I would die of boredom if there literally was never anything new to report.

Drugs are bad...mmmkay.

My mom is coming into town tonight. I am very excited. I hope she gets to come down to the house and see everything. If not, that's cool. I know she will be busy with wedding planning and such, but it would be great to get her down to the house and maybe even church.

I really don't have any news to report, just wanted to talk :P

Precipice?

2008-03-03T10:30:00.005-05:00

If the definition of precipice is "a situation of great peril" I feel like I am there right now. But peril is a funny word. I feel like I was happily sitting in my box, and someone just walked over and turned the box upside down. Now I'm left with the same crap, just a different arrangement. And now the question is, what do I do with all of this crap? Do I clean up and try to put things back to where they were, or do I use the opportunity to re-arrange a little? You know, set up things up a bit different.

A motivational speaker would say "seize the moment". I don't feel like seizing anything. I've grabbed on too hard to my normal, and that's why I'm in this hole in the first place. I just want to leap off, knowing I may splatter when I hit the bottom, but there's a chance, even if it is a small chance, that I'll learn how to fly.

I often feel like my life is passing me by. There are so many things I would like to experience in life, but I always manage to make an excuse. Too many times that excuse is money. Thank you Mike for telling us to stop poor mouthing. I know you said it in the context of our church finances, but I really needed that for myself.

There are several things over the last 10 months I really regret. Often they are associated with hurting the people that I love. I'm terribly sorry for that. I have a nice house. It is clean and new and the brick makes it masculine just enough. Inside is warm, a friendly atmosphere. But there's still dirt in my closets, soap-scum in the shower, a smelly refrigerator, and many places seem hollow and bare. I should work on that.

For all of you web-nerds. Two websites you should check out. This guy travels the world and dances. If I ever get over my anxiety, I would like to stand on the kjeragbolten.

This is change

2008-02-26T10:18:00.004-05:00

Do you know what that is? That is a graphical representation of my weight log from the past three weeks. I don't record it everyday, that's why there's not 21 dots. But basically, that is what my focus has been on for the last couple of weeks. As you can see by the graph, it is very frustrating. One day I'll go up, and one day I'll go down. Today I went down, so I felt like making a post about it. woot woot.

I'm really not too excited about losing weight anymore. I'm starting to get into the habit of working out, which is great, but I'm just not excited about dieting. And that totally sucks because I really need to focus on dieting and self-control. I worked out a lot in High School, so I can handle going to the gym. But dieting...I suck at. Every spike on that graph, is after a night eating out. As you can see, I tend to eat out often. In fact, the two largest spikes...the last two weekends. Go figure.

This is my weight loss goal. As you can see, I'm not exactly following my plan :) To be fair, I set a pretty steep goal to begin with. I want to lose 5lbs a week. As you can see, I haven't. Right now, I'm averaging about 3.29 lbs a week. Not that I can keep track of it or anything.

* All numeric representations of current weight, previous weight, or future weight have been omitted to protect the innocent...and me :)

Never enough time...

2008-02-25T17:49:00.003-05:00

Why is it I never have enough time? I do my best to stay organized. I keep calendars, I take notes, I set reminders, I write to do lists...and yet there's never enough time.

Every time my mom comes to town we fight about spending time with each other. She thinks its because I never "make" time for her when she comes. I think its because she tells me a week before she comes and I already have stuff planned. I know that sounds terrible, to not make time for your mom, but it is always major things that I can't change.

If I don't already have something major planned, there's always something minor planned. For example, I already have plans for the next three weekends. Not stuff for the whole weekend, but something is going on at least one night.

My mom is coming to town in a few weeks. Jack is coming to town the same weekend. They both will demand my attention. All I want to do is sleep.

I guess it is a blessing. There are a lot of people who care about me.

I wish I had time (and money) to go to London. It seems like a neat place.

Meditation, Part 3

2008-02-20T09:49:00.005-05:00

I will now answer the question of what to do, essentially "how", to start meditating. You may have been hoping for some ancient chant, a zen-like monologue that will cleanse your spirit and highlight your soul, unfortunately for us all there is no such magic.

The way I meditate is simple. It can be summed up in one word...remember. I simply sit down and I begin to remember what God has done in my life.

Raj told me the easiest way to start meditating was to sit down and remember the most powerful moment in your spiritual life. He suggested that you start by remembering as many details as you can; where you were, who you were with, how you were sitting, what you were doing, what were you praying, the events that led up to that moment. After remembering the details, begin to remember the feeling, the emotion: Were you happy, were you sad, were you at rock bottom, did God comfort you?

Stay in that moment as long as you possibly can. Trying to remember the details helps you focus your mind, and once you are focused start to reflect on the glory of God at that moment. Do your best to stay focused. Cut out as much of the physical world as possible, so it can truly be just you and God. If your mind starts to wander, try to move onto another significant moment. If you can't quickly transition to another memory, then try to reflect on God. Always speak to Him and expect Him to speak back. Go into this with an open mind, and expect Him to meet you there. Focus on His presence. Try to feel His comforting hand. You might even transition into praising the Lord, and go with that.

When you're mind starts to wander too much, when you loose concentration, when you are thinking more about how hungry you are or how much your butt hurts...then its over. There's no point in forcing it. If you force it you'll just be bored, and you'll develop a distaste for meditation. You may only be able to meditate for 5 minutes. I usually only meditate for about 10. That's why we have to practice. Remember our talk yesterday? Just go with the flow, and give it another shot tomorrow.

That's it. No more excuses not to try right.

Last Disclaimer: I wanted to add, again, that I am a complete meditation noob. All of the things I shared here are based on my experiences since a few weeks back, and based on my short Indian friend. I just wanted to share with you because it has touched me. I just feel that it is relevant because I'm learning these techniques from a different culture, and I'm learning that it really works. Raj made the comment that Hindu gurus have been teaching these techniques to people for thousands of years, so there must be some Truth behind them. After trying for myself, I believe he is right.

Although there is some danger involved. The Bible says quite frankly that we should be mindful at all times. What that is saying to me is that we should not train ourselves to be "empty-minded". Thanks to Joey for pointing this out to me :) In other cultures, the purpose of meditation is often to clear your mind, to be at peace, to be in a tranquil state. As Christians, the purpose of meditation should never be to reach the state of an empty mind. I feel strongly that meditation is just a platform to reach God on a deeper level. Of course we should pray all of the time, but I felt I needed a way to have focused concentration and communion with Him. And I think I've found some great ways of doing that through meditation.

The big point here...is that we need to PRAY. Seriously PRAY. How often do we PRAY? Get it...

Well that's it. All that I know about meditation. If I reach any new levels of spiritual enlightenment I'll let you know :) I'm really hoping to have an experience like Ace Ventura where I reach a plane of floating on clouds and the Dali Lama is there to help me sort out my problems :P

Peace and Grace, Zane

Meditation, Part 2

2008-02-19T09:56:00.004-05:00

In this post, I would like to address two things that Jenny brought up in her comments from yesterday's post. First of all, I want to talk about posture for meditating. Secondly I want to talk about "public" meditation, and using "tools" during meditation.

One of the things that my Hindu guide was extremely stern on was posture. He made it absolutely clear how I should sit and where I should sit. I spoke about the importance of sitting on the floor yesterday. I'm not sure what all of the benefits of sitting on the floor during meditation are, but Raj was insistent that I sit on the floor. He also noted, that if for some reason I was physically incapable of sitting on the floor, I should sit as close to the floor as possible.

He also described posture to me. During meditation your legs need to be relaxed. Now this means that they could be in front of you, but sitting in the crossed position (we called this Indian-style, how ironic this seems to me now) will allow the most blood flow and will also encourage the proper back position. Your back should not be slouched. You should be sitting as up-right as possible. You should also be prepared to sit for a long time. Sitting upright in Indian-style can put strain on your lower back and legs. To relieve some of this strain I suggest sitting with your butt on a blanket or board, to open up the blood flow a little more. Your arms should simply be sitting on your legs in a resting position. No funky finger/hand signals are required :)

Now if you are anything like me, this isn't the most comfortable position. What I find the most amazing about the meditation posture, is how it encourages a healthy body. I have found that my lower back gets tired and sore very quickly. This is most likely due to the excessive weight on the front side pulling me down, in order to compensate my back has to do twice as much work to hold myself upright. Damn gravity!

I try to maintain a good posture as long as I can. When I get tired I try to shift a little to be more comfortable, but ultimately my discomfort breaks my concentration and ends the session. The point; keep practicing, get in better shape, and live to meditate again.

Remember, the point of good posture is to unify your body with your mind and spirit. Your mind should be as free from distraction as possible, and that includes your flesh. Can I get a woot woot from the Christians in the house?

Now on to meditating in public. Learning this simple fact was very humbling. I shared this briefly in my first post on meditation. The fact is, my mind is incapable of meditating in public. I am simply too immature and ill-equipped. When I first heard that, I was arrogant. However, after trying meditation I have realized that it does take practice to fine-tune your mind for concentration. There is really no other way to say it than that.

We must practice and dedicate ourselves to be mentally capable of removing the distractions of a public setting.

The same rule applies to tools such as prayer beads, incense, etc. We don't want the tools to take precedence over the experience with God. There are tons of these things that can make our experience richer, however we have to be prepared first. Personally, I am not quite there. But that's a blessing, because it will give me more time to think of my prayer for the prayer beads.

Again, I just want to remind you I am not an expert. I am only speaking about what I've tried and what Raj told me. All of the things Raj told me I cite, so unless I say...Raj told me...then I'm just speaking from experience. Hopefully by the end of the work day I'll write a post about the thought process of meditating. That should be my final meditation post.

Peace and Grace, Zane

Meditation, Part 1

2008-02-18T09:44:00.007-05:00

I am ready to share some of my experiences with you. I believe I should start with a personal note. If you learn anything from these posts, my hope is that the overall message would be a Gospel message. I recognize that I may reference Hinduism as my guiding force, but the overall Truth to me is that Christ is real. My ultimate mentor, my ultimate hope, my reason for belief, and the purpose of my spiritual quest is to grow closer to God. I believe that gaining direct access to God can only be accomplished because of Christ's sacrifice, and the Holy Spirit. With that in mind, understand that I believe there is a great deal about spiritual journey, self-discovery, and discipline that we can learn from other cultures. In my life, there are some very cool and very honest Hindus that have taught me these methods of meditation. If you want to debate universal truth, the Hindu religion, or just want to be a "stick in the mud", don't respond here...I don't want to partake in any of that.

On to the meat. Meditation has become a very powerful part of my prayer life. The days that I take the time to properly meditate I feel refreshed and overjoyed by connecting with the creator. I want this to be interactive and fun. If you have any questions please ask. If I don't know the answer I would love to ask Raj or Ramya or Sayli about it, and let them be the teacher.

The first thing I want to tell you about it is the "sacred" parts of meditation. After several conversations with Raj I began to realize that there are very few sacred parts of my life. I don't even understand the meaning of sacred very well, but with his (Raj's) help I am learn that there are parts of my life that should be totally separate from one another. For example, praying and driving to work should be kept separate. I can't exactly concentrate on driving if I'm speaking to God, and I can't exactly search deep within myself if I'm driving. I'm either going to wreck my car or have a shallow prayer. How about this, reading the Bible and using the restroom don't exactly mix. I have often found myself guilty of this. Sure I can read the Bible in that spare time, but I either lose the deep meaning of the Holy Word or I don't get the full enjoyment out of that private time. Now you may be thinking "Zane there is nothing wrong with either of those things". And if you are thinking that, you are right. There is nothing sinful about that. But I believe you are getting the short end of the stick if you supplement your private time with God with private time with God and another activity. We need to have time in our day that is solely dedicated to God and our heart's desire for Him. By focusing your entire mind, body, and spirit on Him you can gain significantly more than when you are multi-tasking. Does that make sense?

Through proper meditation, you are providing God a platform where only He and you are the center of attention. There are essential parts of meditation that should not be compromised. By following these steps you are making your meditation time sacred. That is to say, you are making this place in your life set apart solely for God.

Here are the first steps:

Find a place in your house where you can sit on the floor
This place in your house should be distraction free, ie. no television, no books/magazines (other than the Bible), no children, no pets. It should be the equivalent of what Christ taught when he said, go to the closet, shut the door, and then pray
If you are serious about meditation, then this place in your house should only be used for meditation. In other words, it should not be your office where you also work, it should not be your bedroom where you also sleep. If you don't have a lot of spare space, you should find a little used corner in your house where the only thing you do in that corner is pray/meditate.
After you've found your spot, find some meditation clothes. Find a set of clothes that are just plain (mine are pajamas) and set them aside for meditation. You will only wear those clothes when you meditate/pray. Put them on before you begin, take them off when you are finished. Simple right.

The special place in your house, the floor, the clothes, all of these things are to help you make this experience sacred. Meditation doesn't begin when you sit down, it begins by mentally preparing yourself to experience God. When you expect great things, great things happen. These techniques are not meant to be religious or restrictive, they are meant to help you get your mind ready and free from distraction before you begin. By creating this routine, you are actually training your mind to focus. This will become a special process by which you reach out to God and He responds. Putting on the clothes, sitting in your spot will tell you its time to get serious, its time to communicate. Its like when you smell something cooking, you're telling your stomach...hey you are about to get some food, get ready.

After you've finished completing those tasks, then check back on the blog. I will hopefully have the next steps outlined. I would go deeper, but I'm tired of typing.

Peace and Grace, Zane

Chinese Censorship

2008-02-14T14:04:00.002-05:00

Is anyone else bothered by Chinese censorship?

If you haven't read that article, or one of the many others similar to it, the Chinese government is beginning to "crack down" on the morality of the country. It seems the censorship is an effort to "clean up" the country prior to the Olympics coming to town. It is just scary. Thoughts?

Rooster ?(tail)

2008-02-14T10:17:00.006-05:00

This is a roostertail.

And so is this.

Facebook Privacy

2008-02-11T10:30:00.000-05:00

I am really getting tired of Facebook. I resisted the urge to create an account for a very long time, but about six months ago gave in. For the most part, I've been extremely impressed with Facebook's amazing site, and yet appalled and bored with it. (I will get to the appalled part later) For one, Facebook's tools such as face recognition, search capabilities, and photo albums are very impressive from a technology standpoint. They have some very clever software engineer's working for them. As a web programmer myself, I am very impressed.

On the other hand, the whole Facebook as an operating system is kind of stupid. I mean seriously, would someone please develop an application that is actually worth a damn. I get ten emails a day telling me I've been poked, or someone likes me, or I'm a favorite, or rate my videos, or compare music taste, or take this movie quiz, or join the warriors of the revolution group, or lastly someone has thrown a sheep at me. And seriously, I already have a wall I don't want an advanced wall, or super advanced wall, or picture/video wall. What the crap. Are they serious? Do people actually find entertainment value out that crap? If you do, please tell me. But personally, I get tired of wading through all the bunk messages trying to find someone who is actually trying to connect with me.

And then there is the appalling factor... Facebook has some serious privacy issues on their hands. I guarentee someone in 2008 will sue the crap out of Facebook. First of all, the cyber-stalking feature is cool, and I'm glad that they allow you to set which information share and which not to. However, do you remember when it was released, you had no control over it. After thousands of their users complained, and many threatened legal action, they finally added the ability to manage your information. Now, they've come out with a clever way to sell you personal information to advertisers. Their beacon system actually tracks your internet usage so that they can turn around and sell it to advertisers. To their defense, a lot of the websites you go to "sells" your information. But it seems Facebook has gone from a cool social networking site to a bunch of money hungry suits who are willing to compromise their user's privacy in order to make some change.

To make matters worse, I read an article today that says you can't delete your account. So basically, I'm tired of getting emails from advertisers selling me something that Facebook tracked me looking at, and I want to cancel my account. No can do. Better luck next time. What the mess.

Now I know what you're thinking. Myspace isn't much better. Well, yes they are. You can cancel your account. You don't have to put up with a bunch of useless features. You can actually make your page look like you want it. And on top of that, they don't track your usage. Sure they put up some annoying advertisements, but what website doesn't? They are not turning around and selling your email address every time you click on Old Navy.

Meditation

2008-02-07T10:17:00.000-05:00

I have started meditating. Is that weird?

This all started because I've been reading a book called "Eat, Pray, Love". In the book, she talks about people using prayer beads. The idea of prayer beads really intrigues me. After all, Catholics learned the technique of using prayer beads from Hindi Gurus and then translated the meaning into Christianity. I thought it would be awesome to have some beads where each individual bead means something to pray for. Well it is a good idea, and I sought out Raj so that he could teach me the ancient ways to praying with beads. I would be his padawan and he would be my Jedi master.

Well to be blunt, Raj told me I was too immature to use prayer beads. When he said that, I got a bit of an arrogant spirit and thought to myself "how the heck would you know, I pray every day". But after following his advice, I really am too immature to use the prayers beads. In his wisdom, Raj told me that beads would simply become a an anchor to hold me back. He told me that it takes a great deal of concentration to focus on God rather than the beads, and that it would take some practice before I was ready for beads. Retrospectively, he was totally right.

Instead, Raj spoke with me about meditation and the power that is has. Raj taught me that meditation is a tool used to find peace with God, and in my context (Christianity) it could be a powerful tool of experiencing God. So I took some notes, listened to Raj's advice, and started meditating. It has truly been amazing. It has helped me pray with more purpose, and it has helped me to remember the times that God has impacted me most.

I've really cherished speaking with Raj about this. He is a great friend. He is absolutely unbiased and nonjudgmental, something all Christians should learn.

I feel like I could go on and on about meditating, but I don't want to convolute the message here. If you want to know how to meditate, the tips my Hindi friend has taught me, or my experience I'd love to tell you.

Have you met Toms?

2008-02-05T10:10:00.000-05:00

I just wanted to remind you of Toms Shoes. If you haven't been to the website or read anything about the company Toms stands for "Shoes for Tomorrow". The company makes shoes (which are stylish and comfortable btw) and for each pair sold they give a pair to a person in need. The Toms crew just got back from a shoe drop in Africa. You can go to their website to read more about the shoes, the company, and the Africa trip.

Don't you think its time the Church realizes our responsibility to our brothers in need?

Peace and Grace, Zane

Also note, the Bible study last night was excellent. It felt so warm and familiar; a feeling I've longed for. If you have the opportunity go check it out.

monday...

2008-02-04T12:45:00.000-05:00

I strongly dislike Mondays. I would say that I hate Mondays, but I'm trying to stay as positive as I can. I don't want to make "hate" a goto word when I'm trying to describe something else. If I say hate, I want it to be like...whoa, Zane really doesn't like that to the point where he hates it. You know what I mean?

I created a blog today. In all honesty, I created this blog for two reasons. One, because Jenny uses her blog and I want to be able to respond. Two, Mike created a blog for the church, and I wanted to be able to respond.

But now that I'm back on the blogging circuit, I'm reminded of my time blogging for livejournal, and the occasional blog on myspace. I do enjoy blogging, as long as people read it.

I would just write in my prayer journal if I didn't want people to read it, so the only way this blog will get any traction is if people read it.