Ministry Support?

So I've found myself in a quandary. What am I supposed to do about ministry? Believe me when I say that I really want to be a full-time minister. But I have tried (and failed) to come up with ways to sustain myself in ministry and I simply can't seem to make the numbers fit. But I have a good job and some great friends and life should be great and when the time is right the church will pay my way and things will be dandy.

Then I go and hang out with my students. When I’m with them outside of church and outside of your typical ministry activities I feel incredibly selfish. Do you know the term abandonment? Believe me when I use this term as I don’t take it very lightly. Last night I picked up a student and three of his friends. At any given time there are between 3 and 9 students living at this particular house. That night not everybody could go because my truck only holds five. All of these kids that stay there have been abandoned. The house where they stay has two adults living there, and not to be overly critical but I would hardly call them parents. I won’t divulge details but let’s leave it at the fact that nine times out of ten when I’m over there the mom is nowhere to be found and the step-dad (who didn’t father any of these kids) is drunk and doesn’t care about anything.

So back to the kid that needed a ride. He needed a ride to his house so his parents could take him to court the next day. The house is in McCalla and he needed a ride to Brookwood (which is like FOREVER away). Yeah he walked to McCalla some weeks ago and has been living there for a while. Well he was due in court and needed to get home so charges weren’t brought up against HIS PARENTS for abandoning him. Of course they refused to come get him so that’s where the great big blue taxi cab (aka my truck) comes into play. Well either way I don’t mind because I love hanging out with these kids. The kid that was due in court and another friend at the house BOTH BECAME BELIEVERS over the weekend. I had nothing to do with that btw I just wanted to brag on them. I suppose what I’m getting at is these kids are awesome. They are totally raw and street savvy and their parents couldn’t give a flying flip about them. They’ve been kicked out of school and kicked out of their homes but their smart enough to know how to survive and are smart enough to know they need the Lord. To me that means they’re awesome. And it makes me feel selfish because my life has been all cream puffs and pastries comparatively. What makes it worse is these kids live off of next to nothing. Some get food stamps while others “borrow” money from their parents or relatives when they’re around. They have never stolen anything from me but of course I buy them dinner every chance I get.

But bringing me to my point. Why should the church spend $25k a year on me so that I can hang out with these students when the money would be better spent buying food and healthcare for them? It simply doesn’t make sense. What’s worse is I would have to justify it to the kids. They would see me having a job where I got to hang out with them but they don’t get paid to do that. So the church would be setting the example of “hey if you make yourself into a comfortable little Christian we’ll pay you to do nothing”. I know that’s not the right attitude but I’m telling you that is what these students would think. They wouldn’t be bitter about it but what example am I setting if I quit my job to hang out with students all day?

And then there is [1 Corinthians 9:3-14]. Basically Paul is saying “hey you people take some money and support those who spread the Gospel”. Not that I’m bragging but I feel like I do that. But that’s the quandary. It is Biblical for me to be supported in this, and yet the world in which my students live is much more worthy of support. I could write a book about the cultural and social dynamics at work here. It is mind bottling to say the least.

Remember at the beginning of this post I said I can't seem to make the numbers fit. What that means is I take down all of the bills and living expenses I have and then I take what incoming I need in order to pay for that stuff. When it comes to ministry supporting me it never seems to add up. But maybe that IS my problem. Where's the faith in that? If I know I have guaranteed income then its not really a sacrifice I'm making is it? I digress. I can’t seem to let go of control of those things but I’m scared to move out in faith if I’m unsure of what God says. Either way my students and I need some freakin’ money.

Current Dirt

Rather than not posting anything, which I normally do, I decided to post my current dirt. These are the things that are keeping me from God. Inspirational words of wisdom welcome, however your "understanding sympathy" is not. If you understand and sympathize, post your own dirt. Then we can all wallow around in the mess we've made of our lives and together we will realize the magnitude of forgiveness.

- Wishing I had the drive to diet again
- Another Lock-in Friday, I wish I was looking forward to it more
- Feeling lonely, nagging desire for female companionship
- Too many lustful sins and its only Tuesday
- The last thing on the planet I want to do, other than fold clothes, is work on a ministry plan for 2009
- Still trying to catch up on sleep from the Middle School Lock-in, this makes me grumpy
- Thinking about fasting, but I don't really want to
- Two interviews this week, which is ironic because I'm somewhat pleased with my current employer this week
- Rock Band 2 is coming out
- The house needs a good cleaning, which I won't do because I am lazy
- Still a couple thousand dollars floating on my credit card, money always stresses me out
- Setting up interviews while I am at work makes me feel un-ethical
- I cuss too much
- Something has to change about my workouts, because I'm no longer seeing results
- I can not remember the last time I renewed my mind
- I don't feel like talking to anybody
- Right now there is a good chance my mom's house is floating in the Gulf of Mexico
- I wish I had better idea for blog posts, rather than the random updates
- The church website sucks, and its my fault
- In fact, all websites I've ever worked on ever suck...and its all my fault
- I wish I would have gone to school for something else
- Realizing you would be happier working at an Arby's for less than half of what you currently make is depressing

Ahh...now I feel better to let that out. Sometimes it is hard to see God through all of the dirt. The dirty dry reality of our choices leads us down these empty paths of meaningless results. Yet somehow through His infinity we find hope, joy, peace, happiness, kindness, love. Its just hard sometimes to push the dirt out of the way long enough to realize it. Despite myself, I am blessed.

Grace and Peace, Zane

Precipice?

If the definition of precipice is "a situation of great peril" I feel like I am there right now. But peril is a funny word. I feel like I was happily sitting in my box, and someone just walked over and turned the box upside down. Now I'm left with the same crap, just a different arrangement. And now the question is, what do I do with all of this crap? Do I clean up and try to put things back to where they were, or do I use the opportunity to re-arrange a little? You know, set up things up a bit different.

A motivational speaker would say "seize the moment". I don't feel like seizing anything. I've grabbed on too hard to my normal, and that's why I'm in this hole in the first place. I just want to leap off, knowing I may splatter when I hit the bottom, but there's a chance, even if it is a small chance, that I'll learn how to fly.

I often feel like my life is passing me by. There are so many things I would like to experience in life, but I always manage to make an excuse. Too many times that excuse is money. Thank you Mike for telling us to stop poor mouthing. I know you said it in the context of our church finances, but I really needed that for myself.

There are several things over the last 10 months I really regret. Often they are associated with hurting the people that I love. I'm terribly sorry for that. I have a nice house. It is clean and new and the brick makes it masculine just enough. Inside is warm, a friendly atmosphere. But there's still dirt in my closets, soap-scum in the shower, a smelly refrigerator, and many places seem hollow and bare. I should work on that.

For all of you web-nerds. Two websites you should check out. This guy travels the world and dances. If I ever get over my anxiety, I would like to stand on the kjeragbolten.