To Dethrone Kings

Today I began preparing for 21 days of prayer and fasting. About two weeks ago I was starting to feel sorry because of the weight I had gained over the last year and my frustrated attempts at losing it. I finally had a moment where it hit me that I simply was not strong enough to do this on my own and I began to reach out to God. He very gently reminded me of a few issues and the inward-out-transformation process began.

A while back I had come to a realization that I was actually addicted to food. I don't have the time or energy or even the memory to explain how or why I came to that conclusion but every logical thought I have in this matter seems to confirm it. I turn to food when I am happy. I turn to food when I am sad. I turn to food when I am bored. The only times I don't turn to food are times when I am unable, and then turn to food as soon as I can. I use food as a coping mechanism. I use food to celebrate. You name it, I ate it.

God reminded me of this fact and around the same time I not-so-coincidentally saw this sermon posted online. I listened intently as Pastor Chris described my dilemma and the mixed emotions of addictive behavior. In the sermon he carefully explains that addiction stems from idolatry, and that in it's essence idolatry is simply granting things other than God a higher place in your heart. The allegory used is that you are putting something other than God on the throne of your heart. God is still there, but He's not the King. The simple solution is to dethrone those other kings, and I will do that by fasting and prayer.

I started preparing yesterday. I've been on raw fruits and vegetables and today is my first day without caffeine. Tomorrow I start to fast.

So far things have been good. I had a really great day yesterday with some powerful prayer during lunch. Today I have felt quite sluggish and that caffeine-headache is coming on slowly. Hopefully by the weekend I will feel normal physically, but pumped spiritually.

Who Put the Chapters in the Bible Anyway?

Did you know Anthony Hopkins plays Paul in a movie. I find that pretty dang funny.

So I wanted to update my blog. Well actually let me be honest. The office is pretty quiet right now so I didn't have anyone to talk to so I decided to update my blog. Well now that you feel second best-ed let me post something of value.

I love this scripture. It makes me feel like a complete screw up but it helps me realize I'm not alone as a screw up. Paul himself was a total mess, and somehow knowing that he was a mess makes me feel better for being a mess. Lets get to it.

"21-23 It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.

24 I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question?

25 The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different."

So that's in Romans 7 at the very end. I read this and it is truly depressing. Think about it: the freakin' Apostle Paul is saying he's at the end of his rope because I can't seem to do right by denying sin. So if Paul can't do it how am I suppose to? So instead I typically try to ignore my sin...

I mean I know I'm a screw up. I know I have sin in my life that needs to be dealt with. But I can live with myself because in the back of my mind I'm thinking that I WILL deal with it someday. EVENTUALLY I will figure things out, get on my feet and get this whole mess off of my back. But then I read this and I'm like what's the point? Is Paul saying we can't conquer sin, or we can't do right even when we want to? Depressing eh?

Rabbit Trail: So I'm just calling it, whoever put the chapters in the Bible...you know the numbers and verses and stuff...well they weren't always right. I don't think anyway. You have to remember this is a letter to the Roman Church. He did not notate his letters with chapters and verses. Somebody added that later. Well here is why they were wrong: You have to read chapter 8 after you read chapter 7. If you read to the end of 7 you'll just be like SCREW THIS!!! NO. Don't do that, you've got to keep going. So here we go.

"1-2With the arrival of Jesus, the Messiah, that fateful dilemma is resolved. Those who enter into Christ's being-here-for-us no longer have to live under a continuous, low-lying black cloud. A new power is in operation. The Spirit of life in Christ, like a strong wind, has magnificently cleared the air, freeing you from a fated lifetime of brutal tyranny at the hands of sin and death.

3-4God went for the jugular when he sent his own Son. He didn't deal with the problem as something remote and unimportant. In his Son, Jesus, he personally took on the human condition, entered the disordered mess of struggling humanity in order to set it right once and for all. The law code, weakened as it always was by fractured human nature, could never have done that."

That's the first part of Romans 8. So Paul kinda ties it all up right there. The problem is so easily solved with Jesus.

I think the reason I love this scripture so much is because it describes my life with God. I mess up, some days A LOT. But at the end of the night, if I take the time to talk with my God, He is always like "its ok dude, I love you and you love me. I forgive you." You know how awesome that makes me feel? So awesome. God loves me. So much so that Jesus came, and died. Now I have grace. I have mercy. I am found! That's pretty cool.

What I get most from thinking about this scripture is that I should not dwell on sin. That's what Paul was saying in 7. When you focus sooo much on doing right (obeying the law) its a major blow when you do wrong. Talk about a let down. But if you focus on Christ it won't matter. Christ's death reverses the grip of sin on us, and replaces it with a one on one, straight up, relationship with the Father in Heaven.

Now that is why I love this scripture! So next time somebody is whining about Romans 7 (though I haven't heard much whining from people other than myself) just tell 'em to read 8 and it'll be alright.

My Sheep Will Hear My Voice

So there's this bible verse I've been thinking about lately. It is Jesus talking to his disciples and the religious leaders and he says something like "You crazy pharisees. You don't understand me because you are not my sheep. My sheep will recognize my voice and follow me."*

I have been really struggling with this verse lately. There's one problem in my life I just can't figure out. Well this isn't really a problem as much as it is a fork in the road. I'm not sure which direction to take. There's definitely one path I would prefer, but I'd be cool with the other. Neither of them lead away from righteousness so I can't make decisions on that. But I'm anxious to know which path is right so I can be settled on it. So I pray "Hey God if this isn't right, man close this door. Otherwise tell me what to do! What path do I take?"

So I've been sitting patiently every night (almost) for the last few weeks praying mostly about this one particular thing. I'll sit on my porch, which is the most peaceful place in my life, and just talk to God. Sometimes I'll beg, sometimes I'll whine, and sometimes I'm cool with everything...but I mention this problem every single night.

Now here's an issue mmkay. Some nights I will hear God clear as a bell, and the next I won't. Instead of hearing God clearly I'll hear myself: my heart, my mind, my flesh, the devil, whatever. But I don't always hear God, which really sucks. When I do hear God He doesn't give me the details I want. He just says stuff like "Be patient. You're doing great. I love you. Let go of control." Well that definitely doesn't settle me down hahaha. Which is why I struggle with this verse. I'm God's sheep aren't I? Why don't I always hear and recognize His voice?

At least I'm aware enough to realize the devil speaks to me, and I speak to myself. After all I'm just trying to scam my way into my own selfish desires and not God's. So that's probably the central problem: me wanting my way instead of the Right Way.

So here's another piece of this problem pie. I think the reason I'm staying so "committed" to praying about this, is because I'm hoping God will change His answers to suit my desires. Sounds crazy I know, but I keep praying and I'm sure He's staying the same, but I keep asking JUST IN CASE something changes. To make matters worse God hasn't closed the door to this problem, in fact He might have opened the door in the first place.

"Ugh. You're such an idiot." - Napoleon Dynamite

So the rest of the verse (I suck at) goes kinda like this: "My sheep know and trust my voice. I walk into the pen where they are held and I call them by name. I know them and they know me. I lead them out of the pen and we go for a stroll because they trust me."

God has plans, He really does. And honestly I'm extremely blessed to even have problems like this: things I can take to God and be like "Help me out here." Its a blessing to be surrounded by Godly people that make me grow closer to God, instead of growing closer to myself. So God has this problem all figured out, and if I would just let go of control and follow him out of the freakin' pen then I would realize that.

* Mathew 10:25-30

Hard Water

So there's this story in the Bible that has gotten my attention. Before I get into that I must say I am really pissed at myself. This post is helping me understand the funk I've been in, which you may or may not have noticed. So reader be wary, this is a journal after all.

So back to the story. Around the year 50 there was a booming Christian movement in the world. Churches were being started throughout the Middle East and into Southern Europe. And I'm not talking about giant buildings with amphitheater-style sanctuaries and basketball courts. I'm talking about home churches, where neighbors gathered together to talk about this New Gospel...the story of the Jewish Messiah having come and gone. Among these churches was one in town called Laodicea, which was a Roman town in modern-day Turkey. In fact, you can still visit the ruins of city which are apparently in pretty decent shape.

In the last book of the Bible, Jesus appears and asks that a message be sent to the church in Laodicea. The message is something between an admonishment and a warning. Either way I wouldn't want Jesus writing about my life like this. He says that the although the church appears rich in worldly and spiritual ways it is actually spiritually bankrupt. He says Laodicea is a "blind beggar, threadbare and homeless." Famously Jesus says that the church is lukewarm, neither hot nor cold, and that makes it worthless.

There's a whole lot behind this story that I really don't feel like typing out. In a nutshell though I relate my life directly to what's going on here. In recent weeks I have felt incredibly detached and unsatisfied with my spirit. Contrasting how I feel now with I how I felt a month ago is like comparing night to day. I'm telling you we go through these mountain-top and valley phases, this stuff is for real. In the valley I am seeing some very very bad loopholes with my faith, and they are highlighted by this message to Laodicea.

I see myself: convincingly acting faithful even when I'm faithless, spending more time working for God than making time for God (personally you know), feeling indifferent, there is no color or vibrancy to my faith; giving advice and using words to my students that are bland where there is little meaning. What hurts the most is I feel bankrupt of all compassion. As a youth minister, a functional pastor, it is so dangerous to not have compassion.

So reading this story it definitely feels like this was intended for me. I feel like this message has just shot through the heart (and you're to blame) of my crap. You see I'm not a bad person and I do good things, but I'm not hot and I'm not cold. I'm in the middle. I'm bland. I'm lukewarm. I'm hard water. I'm totally not useful at all in these middle places.

So what's the remedy? How do I become useful again?

I don't know. I'm sure there's something about "seeking" or "obeying" or "listening" that's important. That all sounds like a churchy gush right now. I just want somebody to say "hey if you'd quit being a bum and spend 30 minutes a night with God instead of watching Office reruns you'd probably get more out of these valleys".

It seems I only make time to read the Bible when I want to blog something or have to teach at youth. This stuff should be impacting me daily, as part of the renovation efforts, but I don't make the time. I say that as a confession.

So yeah this post was really really for me. If you're interested there's a great article about the Laodicean Church. I like the explanation of the water duct and hard water, hence the title of this post.

I wish I felt blessed...

At church we are reading through the sermon on the mount. You know, the story where Jesus stands on top of a rock and preaches to a large crowd that followed him there.

To think of a bunch of idiots following a vagabond around waiting for him to say something when most days he ignores them completely, and then finally one day he just jumps on top of this rock and says...

"You are blessed when your life sux". Of course that is me paraphrasing but seriously that is what he said. Go check it out, maybe I'm the only idiot in this story (Mathew 5/Luke 6). Mad props to Josh btw for knowing exactly where those verses were off the top of his head.

Anywhos, back to my point. The Man said to a crowd that had followed him and said you are blessed when you are a wreck, when you feel useless, when you have nothing left to live for, when you've screwed things up beyond the point of reconciliation. Blessed! The reason you are blessed he explains: Because there is less of you there to screw it up more.

Really? That's an interested point Jesus. So are You (the Son of the Creator of the whole Freakin' Universe) telling me that if I live my life as a walking disaster to the point I fall into a pit of despair I'll get to the point where I have absolutely no reason whatsoever to depend on myself and I will have to...HAVE TO...rely on your help. Hmmmm....

Dang it. I should screw up more often. Or maybe I should stop masquerading as a blessed person and just be honest.

So I totally blew off studying the Bible tonight so I can sit on my porch and smoke. I sat there for like 15 minutes in silence, and then I walked inside and wrote this down. Shocking. I'm eating a bowl of Frosted Mini-Wheats right this second and like a light show just went off in my head and I wrote this down. I can't believe this is real.

Dang impressive. I just got f-bombed by my Lord, my Savior and of course...Sarayu.

to be blessed

In honor of this being Easter weekend, I am going to take a moment and reflect on where I am spiritually right now...

For some reason I want to compare "to be blessed" with "to be continued". I guess that's where I am spiritually right now, it is "to be continued".

I feel like I was running through the desert in 2006. I was in some dry spots, there wasn't anything very refreshing spiritually, no water, no shade (I was constantly in the heat), I could relax a little at night when I could hide from the sun. But I was making progress in that desert. I was running when I could. Pushing forward, forcing myself to to go farther, forcing myself to keep on going no matter what. Never give up, never give in (as I've heard a famous lyricist once say).

Just as in 2006, I started off running in 2007. I was moving and shaking. Making good decisions, making progress. Finally, I found some contentment with the desert I was in. I had found some friends along the way. I wasn't alone anymore. Finally I had people to share with. People who knew what commitment it took to keep running. I started to believe that I could live in the desert, that I could survive there. I started to slow down, I didn't stop running, but I switched from a sprint to a jog. Finally, some relief.

And then it happened. Whooosh. Quicksand. In an instant, I lost complete control. Up to my neck in hot muddy sand. Something had happened to me in that desert that literally stopped my spiritual journey all together. 2007 was bleak after that. No running. No water. Exhaustion from it all. The weight of the sand on my chest squeezed me. I had little left. I've been in this quicksand, unable to fight back. Knowing the struggle of getting out might take my life, but sitting in this hot box trap is not a healthy way to live.

There's always hope...

Slowly. I recover. I realize that I'm not alone in this sand trap. I have friends who have fallen too. Though I may not be able to lift myself out, I know that we can lift each other out. We lose some along the way. Together we grab hold, cling together, fighting with passion and persistence. Together we refuse to give in to death.

Now I'm close to being completely out. I'm no longer sinking. I'm starting to recover, to regain strength, to regain passion. I start to jog. Suddenly I stop looking back at the death that lays behind, and I look towards the path in front of me. I see a jungle. It is very green, full of sweet fruits, and refreshing water. I thirst for the jungle. I see it clearly now. Soon I will begin sprinting again.

In the back of my mind I know the jungle presents challenges. There are dangers waiting for me in there as well, but there's also nourishment. Its where I'm called to survive. I'm not a desert dweller, I'm a jungle lover. The jungle is where I was born.

The jungle is imminent now. I will be there soon. God will bring the jungle to me, I know it. I believe it in faith. He trusts me though I do not trust myself. He encourages me even when I discourage myself. He is my rescuer. He is my resolve.

Anyway, big Easters plans?

Zane

Meditation

I have started meditating. Is that weird?

This all started because I've been reading a book called "Eat, Pray, Love". In the book, she talks about people using prayer beads. The idea of prayer beads really intrigues me. After all, Catholics learned the technique of using prayer beads from Hindi Gurus and then translated the meaning into Christianity. I thought it would be awesome to have some beads where each individual bead means something to pray for. Well it is a good idea, and I sought out Raj so that he could teach me the ancient ways to praying with beads. I would be his padawan and he would be my Jedi master.

Well to be blunt, Raj told me I was too immature to use prayer beads. When he said that, I got a bit of an arrogant spirit and thought to myself "how the heck would you know, I pray every day". But after following his advice, I really am too immature to use the prayers beads. In his wisdom, Raj told me that beads would simply become a an anchor to hold me back. He told me that it takes a great deal of concentration to focus on God rather than the beads, and that it would take some practice before I was ready for beads. Retrospectively, he was totally right.

Instead, Raj spoke with me about meditation and the power that is has. Raj taught me that meditation is a tool used to find peace with God, and in my context (Christianity) it could be a powerful tool of experiencing God. So I took some notes, listened to Raj's advice, and started meditating. It has truly been amazing. It has helped me pray with more purpose, and it has helped me to remember the times that God has impacted me most.

I've really cherished speaking with Raj about this. He is a great friend. He is absolutely unbiased and nonjudgmental, something all Christians should learn.

I feel like I could go on and on about meditating, but I don't want to convolute the message here. If you want to know how to meditate, the tips my Hindi friend has taught me, or my experience I'd love to tell you.