Wyoming Update

This will be my Wyoming update post, even though I got back from the trip over a week ago.

In a nutshell, my trip was everything I hoped it would be. It was a much needed retreat from life, and a chance to organize my thoughts and priorities. I feel like I made some decisions that will keep me focused on the present, and not worried so much about the future. Also, I got a chance to develop my leadership skills through good information and real-life leadership labs. It was really good. I highly recommend NOLS to anyone that is interested in developing leadership and has the guts to live in the back-country.

Of the decisions I made, the biggest one was to stop pursing my own business. Over the last 2 years or so I have made a few attempts to get a website business off of the ground. I have started to slowly shed that work simply because it takes too much time, money, and stress to keep afloat. After that I had a few solid entrepreneurial ideas, however I've decided that again I do not have the time or the capital to truly invest myself into another venture. Most importantly, I have plenty of work to do at the church and I feel the greatest reward will come from serving there. In short, my attention has been divided by too many activities for too long. By letting go of some of these "pipe dreams" I'll be able to focus more on ICY and less on money and business.

Now we can move on the pictures. I uploaded most of my pictures to flickr, but if you don't have the time to surf there here are some highlights.

Picture of me on the trail

This is the most common "scenery" I saw.

Europe Canyon, it looked like a foreign planet.

View from the top of Mt. Victor, this was my highlight of the trip.

My biggest fish, 19"

The Bear

Restless in sleep, restless in life. Night sometimes brings hopeless. The kind of hopeless feeling that can only be described as "evil". The day brings stresses of its own, but nothing compared to night.

It all starts with restlessness. My mind spins uncontrollably, jumping from thought to thought. None are positive. All thoughts center on tasks; this must be done, then this, oh I have to do this, don't forget this. On and on and on. I imagine this is my worst nightmare. Living a life of empty tasks where nothing is meaningful. Nothing brings me towards my goals. Then I come to my senses, briefly. "Chillax Zane, worry about it tomorrow". And I will.

I drift off. I was camping in the Wind River Range in Wyoming (just outside of Lander). In the middle of the night a grizzly bear got into our food. My fellow campers and I fled to a nearby hill where we spent the night in fear. Not pure fear of the bear, but fear of getting in his way. Bears sometimes have a hard time telling the difference between friend and foe. In the morning we awoke to a trampled campsite. As we begin to gather ourselves, the bear returns. This time he was behind us, ready to fight for what he thought was rightfully his.

My mind shifts. Back to sleep, back to worry. Non-stop pounding on the doors of my heart. Something inside my heart begs to be set free. I know exactly what it is. The thought brings joy and hope. But then its tainted. I feel sorrow again because I can't let go, just not yet. I'm not ready. It shouts "LET GO". NO. I've got myself into this, I must get myself out. I awake again. I plead, "God ease my mind. Give me rest. I know I'm unworthy of your mercy and grace, but pleeeeaaaseee..."

Back to sleep. I squirm in my bed. As I squirm so does a figure in front of me. In the same movement, the same rhythm, the same feeling of desperation, the figure in front of me matches me perfectly. I turn on the light and I see the figure clearly. It is the pelt of a grizzly bear, hanging in a closet, freshly harvested from the Earth. Bold black x's cover the eyes. The bear is dead.

I wake up again. Now I'm typing. I don't know what this dream means. I don't know why I get attacked like this. These nights expose so much. I feel like I've been laid bare and all of my faults, problems, stresses are in front of me. I want to cry. I want to shout. I want resolve.

I know it won't happen. Not tonight anyway. Life is process, so I'm learning. Nothing is fixed magically in a split-decision.

The bear scared me. So I post the happiest bear I could find at 2 am.

Grace and peace, Zane