My Sheep Will Hear My Voice

So there's this bible verse I've been thinking about lately. It is Jesus talking to his disciples and the religious leaders and he says something like "You crazy pharisees. You don't understand me because you are not my sheep. My sheep will recognize my voice and follow me."*

I have been really struggling with this verse lately. There's one problem in my life I just can't figure out. Well this isn't really a problem as much as it is a fork in the road. I'm not sure which direction to take. There's definitely one path I would prefer, but I'd be cool with the other. Neither of them lead away from righteousness so I can't make decisions on that. But I'm anxious to know which path is right so I can be settled on it. So I pray "Hey God if this isn't right, man close this door. Otherwise tell me what to do! What path do I take?"

So I've been sitting patiently every night (almost) for the last few weeks praying mostly about this one particular thing. I'll sit on my porch, which is the most peaceful place in my life, and just talk to God. Sometimes I'll beg, sometimes I'll whine, and sometimes I'm cool with everything...but I mention this problem every single night.

Now here's an issue mmkay. Some nights I will hear God clear as a bell, and the next I won't. Instead of hearing God clearly I'll hear myself: my heart, my mind, my flesh, the devil, whatever. But I don't always hear God, which really sucks. When I do hear God He doesn't give me the details I want. He just says stuff like "Be patient. You're doing great. I love you. Let go of control." Well that definitely doesn't settle me down hahaha. Which is why I struggle with this verse. I'm God's sheep aren't I? Why don't I always hear and recognize His voice?

At least I'm aware enough to realize the devil speaks to me, and I speak to myself. After all I'm just trying to scam my way into my own selfish desires and not God's. So that's probably the central problem: me wanting my way instead of the Right Way.

So here's another piece of this problem pie. I think the reason I'm staying so "committed" to praying about this, is because I'm hoping God will change His answers to suit my desires. Sounds crazy I know, but I keep praying and I'm sure He's staying the same, but I keep asking JUST IN CASE something changes. To make matters worse God hasn't closed the door to this problem, in fact He might have opened the door in the first place.

"Ugh. You're such an idiot." - Napoleon Dynamite

So the rest of the verse (I suck at) goes kinda like this: "My sheep know and trust my voice. I walk into the pen where they are held and I call them by name. I know them and they know me. I lead them out of the pen and we go for a stroll because they trust me."

God has plans, He really does. And honestly I'm extremely blessed to even have problems like this: things I can take to God and be like "Help me out here." Its a blessing to be surrounded by Godly people that make me grow closer to God, instead of growing closer to myself. So God has this problem all figured out, and if I would just let go of control and follow him out of the freakin' pen then I would realize that.

* Mathew 10:25-30

to be blessed

In honor of this being Easter weekend, I am going to take a moment and reflect on where I am spiritually right now...

For some reason I want to compare "to be blessed" with "to be continued". I guess that's where I am spiritually right now, it is "to be continued".

I feel like I was running through the desert in 2006. I was in some dry spots, there wasn't anything very refreshing spiritually, no water, no shade (I was constantly in the heat), I could relax a little at night when I could hide from the sun. But I was making progress in that desert. I was running when I could. Pushing forward, forcing myself to to go farther, forcing myself to keep on going no matter what. Never give up, never give in (as I've heard a famous lyricist once say).

Just as in 2006, I started off running in 2007. I was moving and shaking. Making good decisions, making progress. Finally, I found some contentment with the desert I was in. I had found some friends along the way. I wasn't alone anymore. Finally I had people to share with. People who knew what commitment it took to keep running. I started to believe that I could live in the desert, that I could survive there. I started to slow down, I didn't stop running, but I switched from a sprint to a jog. Finally, some relief.

And then it happened. Whooosh. Quicksand. In an instant, I lost complete control. Up to my neck in hot muddy sand. Something had happened to me in that desert that literally stopped my spiritual journey all together. 2007 was bleak after that. No running. No water. Exhaustion from it all. The weight of the sand on my chest squeezed me. I had little left. I've been in this quicksand, unable to fight back. Knowing the struggle of getting out might take my life, but sitting in this hot box trap is not a healthy way to live.

There's always hope...

Slowly. I recover. I realize that I'm not alone in this sand trap. I have friends who have fallen too. Though I may not be able to lift myself out, I know that we can lift each other out. We lose some along the way. Together we grab hold, cling together, fighting with passion and persistence. Together we refuse to give in to death.

Now I'm close to being completely out. I'm no longer sinking. I'm starting to recover, to regain strength, to regain passion. I start to jog. Suddenly I stop looking back at the death that lays behind, and I look towards the path in front of me. I see a jungle. It is very green, full of sweet fruits, and refreshing water. I thirst for the jungle. I see it clearly now. Soon I will begin sprinting again.

In the back of my mind I know the jungle presents challenges. There are dangers waiting for me in there as well, but there's also nourishment. Its where I'm called to survive. I'm not a desert dweller, I'm a jungle lover. The jungle is where I was born.

The jungle is imminent now. I will be there soon. God will bring the jungle to me, I know it. I believe it in faith. He trusts me though I do not trust myself. He encourages me even when I discourage myself. He is my rescuer. He is my resolve.

Anyway, big Easters plans?

Zane

Hope Is...

This is our moment
Will you stand with me?
Hope is not lost
Hope is not lost

Let the strength
Of your words
Be the spark
That ignites the flame
Proclaim your freedom
Give voice to your liberation

This is my confession
Mark these words - we will rise

Weep no more
We will prevail
Grieve no more
We will prevail

- Hope Is... by Killswitch Engage

I love these lyrics. When I saw the song title on my iPod I had to look it up. I'm trying to adopt the phrase "there's always hope". I think I've been pretty successful at it. I read this song and I was like hellz yeah, these guys get it too. Of course this isn't a Christian band, and there's some anti-religious remarks in the song as well. But I say good for them. They're speaking what's on their hearts, and they are telling thousands of teenagers that hope is not lost. Hallelujah for that.

Precipice?

If the definition of precipice is "a situation of great peril" I feel like I am there right now. But peril is a funny word. I feel like I was happily sitting in my box, and someone just walked over and turned the box upside down. Now I'm left with the same crap, just a different arrangement. And now the question is, what do I do with all of this crap? Do I clean up and try to put things back to where they were, or do I use the opportunity to re-arrange a little? You know, set up things up a bit different.

A motivational speaker would say "seize the moment". I don't feel like seizing anything. I've grabbed on too hard to my normal, and that's why I'm in this hole in the first place. I just want to leap off, knowing I may splatter when I hit the bottom, but there's a chance, even if it is a small chance, that I'll learn how to fly.

I often feel like my life is passing me by. There are so many things I would like to experience in life, but I always manage to make an excuse. Too many times that excuse is money. Thank you Mike for telling us to stop poor mouthing. I know you said it in the context of our church finances, but I really needed that for myself.

There are several things over the last 10 months I really regret. Often they are associated with hurting the people that I love. I'm terribly sorry for that. I have a nice house. It is clean and new and the brick makes it masculine just enough. Inside is warm, a friendly atmosphere. But there's still dirt in my closets, soap-scum in the shower, a smelly refrigerator, and many places seem hollow and bare. I should work on that.

For all of you web-nerds. Two websites you should check out. This guy travels the world and dances. If I ever get over my anxiety, I would like to stand on the kjeragbolten.