Sleep

So I have a goal: Get in the bed by 11:00 every night. Get out of the bed by 6:30 every morning. That should afford me at least seven hours of sleep per night. That doesn't sound too complicated does it?

For some reason, this is an un-accomplish-able task for me. It seems no matter how hard I try, this goal will never be reached. Whether there is programming work, a book to read, my work-out regiment, socializing with friends, etc., something always keeps me from going to bed. ALWAYS. And it is really hard for me to prioritize sleep over those things.

If I am programming late at night, such as this last week, then it is usually because it is urgent, as it was this last week. I don't want to let my customers down, they depend on me.

I am finding reading is more and more important. I have to expand my horizons, if I'm not growing forward I'm growing backward. This includes reading the Bible. I've got to make time for that, even if it is later at night.

It is no secret I work-out most nights. But how do tell your body no so you can tell your body yes? If I skip the gym to get an extra hour of sleep I'll regret it. My body needs to be in training mode, a single day of skipping the gym can set me back. This has been proven.

There are occasions where I stay up late socializing. Either on the phone or in person...usually the later. This is incredibly important. I spend so much time doing other stuff there are a lot of relationships out there that have suffered. I need to stay caught up with my friends, I depend on that.

Last week, I reached my sleep goal 4 nights in a row. For four days I was in bed at night early and out of the bed in the morning early. I had time to get ready for work, fix my lunch, read my Bible. It was magical. I felt refreshed. I felt spiritual. It was good. Then this week, I don't know what happened. I've been stuck out late. I get home, try to go to the gym, get some work done, whatever...I don't think I have been in bed before 1:00 all week. And holy crap it is starting to catch up with me today. I feel like I am high on drugs. My head feels small. Everything around me is moving is fast forward. People were talking to me this morning and it was like they were talking so fast I was annoyed by their words. Its almost noon and I'm still tired.

WTF?

Dinner With Two Ladies

Did you know that widows don't like to be called that?

I had dinner tonight with two amazing ladies. They are so awesome that Mr. Ray at church even called them "HOT!".

I had dinner with Cathy and Vicki tonight, and it was truly a blessing. In so many ways they shared their heart with me, and the comfort and reassurance they gave me truly was priceless. I wasn't sure how it would be tonight, if it would seem awkward or not, but we had a blast just sitting around talking and sharing stories.

I've been reading Kendall and LeAlan's blogs, and I must say they have touched my spirit. That is truly what I've desired from sharing this stuff with you guys...the chance to sharpen each other's spirits. Thanks guys for being raw and honest.

Grace and Peace, Zane

Quick Updates

Awesome vacation at lake. Re-learned how to mountain bike. Attempted to water-ski. Ate a lot of food. Trying to lose weight. Web server crashed. Stressed over crashed websites. Became leader of youth. Looking forward to WY. Mending relationships at work. Blessed.

You People are Nerds

So I posted a poll because it looked fun. The number 1 thing you would do if you could do anything: Learn to speak another language. I voted to become a beet farmer.

I got a camera

I got a new camera and it is cool. Here are some pictures. These are the best out of like a gazillion I've taken.

First Motorcycle

So I sold my motorcycle. It was bittersweet. I really enjoyed the bike when I had it, but I never had time to ride it. I honestly believe it increased my cool-factor. So I'm left without a motorcycle and coolness :(

Something incredibly ironic did happen though. I actually had refused to sell my motorcycle to someone because they are somewhat close to me. I was afraid they would be careless and end up hurting themselves on it. The irony came when I sold the motorcycle to someone else. The guy came to my house, we signed the papers, he handed over the money, and then he wrecked the motorcycle. Seriously, the guy pulling out of my driveway ran into the trailer across the street. There are more details that I won't post here, but it was funny. I felt bad for the guy, and at the same time a little worried. I mean how weird is it that I sell it to a guy who immediately wrecks it?

The crash went something like this...

The Bear

Restless in sleep, restless in life. Night sometimes brings hopeless. The kind of hopeless feeling that can only be described as "evil". The day brings stresses of its own, but nothing compared to night.

It all starts with restlessness. My mind spins uncontrollably, jumping from thought to thought. None are positive. All thoughts center on tasks; this must be done, then this, oh I have to do this, don't forget this. On and on and on. I imagine this is my worst nightmare. Living a life of empty tasks where nothing is meaningful. Nothing brings me towards my goals. Then I come to my senses, briefly. "Chillax Zane, worry about it tomorrow". And I will.

I drift off. I was camping in the Wind River Range in Wyoming (just outside of Lander). In the middle of the night a grizzly bear got into our food. My fellow campers and I fled to a nearby hill where we spent the night in fear. Not pure fear of the bear, but fear of getting in his way. Bears sometimes have a hard time telling the difference between friend and foe. In the morning we awoke to a trampled campsite. As we begin to gather ourselves, the bear returns. This time he was behind us, ready to fight for what he thought was rightfully his.

My mind shifts. Back to sleep, back to worry. Non-stop pounding on the doors of my heart. Something inside my heart begs to be set free. I know exactly what it is. The thought brings joy and hope. But then its tainted. I feel sorrow again because I can't let go, just not yet. I'm not ready. It shouts "LET GO". NO. I've got myself into this, I must get myself out. I awake again. I plead, "God ease my mind. Give me rest. I know I'm unworthy of your mercy and grace, but pleeeeaaaseee..."

Back to sleep. I squirm in my bed. As I squirm so does a figure in front of me. In the same movement, the same rhythm, the same feeling of desperation, the figure in front of me matches me perfectly. I turn on the light and I see the figure clearly. It is the pelt of a grizzly bear, hanging in a closet, freshly harvested from the Earth. Bold black x's cover the eyes. The bear is dead.

I wake up again. Now I'm typing. I don't know what this dream means. I don't know why I get attacked like this. These nights expose so much. I feel like I've been laid bare and all of my faults, problems, stresses are in front of me. I want to cry. I want to shout. I want resolve.

I know it won't happen. Not tonight anyway. Life is process, so I'm learning. Nothing is fixed magically in a split-decision.

The bear scared me. So I post the happiest bear I could find at 2 am.

Grace and peace, Zane