Going Natural

My apologizes for being a blogger slacker. I really don't feel like updating this thing but I didn't want to just hang it out to dry. My mind has been completely side tracked with the spring season.

Every spring I get that itch to just get the heck outside and leave the world and my busy life behind. It is this time of year that confirms over and over again my heart's desire to be a traveler. Not everyone finds the same communion with nature but I have come to cherish those moments. As long as I can remember I loved backpacking and camping. Recently I picked up a new hobby of fishing and kayaking. I plan to take at minimum five camping/kayaking/fishing trips before the end of May. So needless to say I won't have a ton of time to update this thing. Between my camping trips and youth I will be very busy. Hopefully I'll get around to updating pictures.

If I find any cool Bible verses or encounter any strange phenomenon you'll be sure to know.

Much Love, Zane

Hard Water

So there's this story in the Bible that has gotten my attention. Before I get into that I must say I am really pissed at myself. This post is helping me understand the funk I've been in, which you may or may not have noticed. So reader be wary, this is a journal after all.

So back to the story. Around the year 50 there was a booming Christian movement in the world. Churches were being started throughout the Middle East and into Southern Europe. And I'm not talking about giant buildings with amphitheater-style sanctuaries and basketball courts. I'm talking about home churches, where neighbors gathered together to talk about this New Gospel...the story of the Jewish Messiah having come and gone. Among these churches was one in town called Laodicea, which was a Roman town in modern-day Turkey. In fact, you can still visit the ruins of city which are apparently in pretty decent shape.

In the last book of the Bible, Jesus appears and asks that a message be sent to the church in Laodicea. The message is something between an admonishment and a warning. Either way I wouldn't want Jesus writing about my life like this. He says that the although the church appears rich in worldly and spiritual ways it is actually spiritually bankrupt. He says Laodicea is a "blind beggar, threadbare and homeless." Famously Jesus says that the church is lukewarm, neither hot nor cold, and that makes it worthless.

There's a whole lot behind this story that I really don't feel like typing out. In a nutshell though I relate my life directly to what's going on here. In recent weeks I have felt incredibly detached and unsatisfied with my spirit. Contrasting how I feel now with I how I felt a month ago is like comparing night to day. I'm telling you we go through these mountain-top and valley phases, this stuff is for real. In the valley I am seeing some very very bad loopholes with my faith, and they are highlighted by this message to Laodicea.

I see myself: convincingly acting faithful even when I'm faithless, spending more time working for God than making time for God (personally you know), feeling indifferent, there is no color or vibrancy to my faith; giving advice and using words to my students that are bland where there is little meaning. What hurts the most is I feel bankrupt of all compassion. As a youth minister, a functional pastor, it is so dangerous to not have compassion.

So reading this story it definitely feels like this was intended for me. I feel like this message has just shot through the heart (and you're to blame) of my crap. You see I'm not a bad person and I do good things, but I'm not hot and I'm not cold. I'm in the middle. I'm bland. I'm lukewarm. I'm hard water. I'm totally not useful at all in these middle places.

So what's the remedy? How do I become useful again?

I don't know. I'm sure there's something about "seeking" or "obeying" or "listening" that's important. That all sounds like a churchy gush right now. I just want somebody to say "hey if you'd quit being a bum and spend 30 minutes a night with God instead of watching Office reruns you'd probably get more out of these valleys".

It seems I only make time to read the Bible when I want to blog something or have to teach at youth. This stuff should be impacting me daily, as part of the renovation efforts, but I don't make the time. I say that as a confession.

So yeah this post was really really for me. If you're interested there's a great article about the Laodicean Church. I like the explanation of the water duct and hard water, hence the title of this post.

Obviously I Don't Care for Buying Clothes

I still have and often wear the entire outfit. I'm wearing the shoes right now in fact. As a side note, the pose for the picture is absurd. So absurd I find myself still posing in that manner today. Man what is wrong with me.

Shower at the Gym

It has recently come to my attention that I link to this blog on facebook. Well I guess I already knew that. Typically my blog is relatively personal and sometimes I'll post things about work that I might not want people at work to read. I just assumed the majority, the mass majority, of my facebook friends read my facebook and not my blog. Apparently I was wrong.

So in light of that I just want to mention a few things. First and foremost if you are a coworker and happen across my blog please read it. I am not ashamed of what I write. I intend what I write because I'm documenting whats going on in my life. I won't bash people or complain (too much), but I do attempt to write honestly.

Secondly I realize that I go to the gym with a lot of coworkers, and I must admit it is EXTREMELY awkward to discover this while I'm in/entering/exiting the shower. I can't tell you how many times I have noticed or walked into a coworker in the locker room shower. Why can't we run into each other in the weight room or doing cardio? Seriously is this some sick joke the Heavens are playing on us? Man it is weird. So if you are a coworker and you've seen me naked I'm sorry.

LOL.

Update to Last Post...

I was reading through a post some months back. See something similar?

http://roostertail.blogspot.com/2008/09/current-dirt.html

I guess C.S. Lewis was right about the "Law of Undulation" (The ScrewTape Letters).

Curious...Very Curious.

I wish I felt blessed...

At church we are reading through the sermon on the mount. You know, the story where Jesus stands on top of a rock and preaches to a large crowd that followed him there.

To think of a bunch of idiots following a vagabond around waiting for him to say something when most days he ignores them completely, and then finally one day he just jumps on top of this rock and says...

"You are blessed when your life sux". Of course that is me paraphrasing but seriously that is what he said. Go check it out, maybe I'm the only idiot in this story (Mathew 5/Luke 6). Mad props to Josh btw for knowing exactly where those verses were off the top of his head.

Anywhos, back to my point. The Man said to a crowd that had followed him and said you are blessed when you are a wreck, when you feel useless, when you have nothing left to live for, when you've screwed things up beyond the point of reconciliation. Blessed! The reason you are blessed he explains: Because there is less of you there to screw it up more.

Really? That's an interested point Jesus. So are You (the Son of the Creator of the whole Freakin' Universe) telling me that if I live my life as a walking disaster to the point I fall into a pit of despair I'll get to the point where I have absolutely no reason whatsoever to depend on myself and I will have to...HAVE TO...rely on your help. Hmmmm....

Dang it. I should screw up more often. Or maybe I should stop masquerading as a blessed person and just be honest.

So I totally blew off studying the Bible tonight so I can sit on my porch and smoke. I sat there for like 15 minutes in silence, and then I walked inside and wrote this down. Shocking. I'm eating a bowl of Frosted Mini-Wheats right this second and like a light show just went off in my head and I wrote this down. I can't believe this is real.

Dang impressive. I just got f-bombed by my Lord, my Savior and of course...Sarayu.

Obscure Life Update

Well there has been a lot going on lately. I have had several good friends mention things about life change, career/school decisions, and I thought I would throw my life update in.

You may recall some months back I preached at church. Rather than try to follow Mike's lesson plan I just kinda went with what was on my heart. I talked about purpose and passion, and how God plants these seeds of fire in you that we are meant to pursue. After all a career in a lucrative field is fine and dandy but a journey with the Lord is much more fun. At the time I was not happy with my job, but not simply because of the job. I was unhappy with my career choice. This culminated with my trip to Wyoming when I clearly heard "simplify your life", knowing that I had to stop software engineering as a private venture.

So I did that. I stopped developing outside of work. Then I changed jobs, which you've read the update here. All of this was in the midst of becoming "the" youth minister. After it was all done I still felt restless. I know God has purpose not in the past or in the future, but right now. I was having a hard time seeing it.

But then things started to unfold. About two weeks ago I had this conversation with Mike, and after wards things began to get clearer and clearer. Finally I feel like I see a paved road in front of me. Not a dirt road with twists and turns through the forest: An actual paved road. I feel like God has set some things in motion that cannot be easily described, but I see them. Looking back I now realize some very mysterious things He was doing, and while I was sitting there sorry for myself I was missing it. There is peace in seeing God's hands at work.

My restlessness has settled down quit a bit since then. I have been trying really hard not to tell everyone all the stuff that's been going on. I just don't want to blow it before it all actually happens you know? That's why this is supposed to be an "obscure" life update. But still I have let details slip out because I am just so freaking excited about it.

Best of all without that restlessness I am able to be present. I am reacting to what's going on now rather than what I want to happen or what's happened in the past. I am living now, not living then or not will be living, I am alive now.

So I suppose I have some encouragement for my friends who are in similar spots. This is for you guys who are also looking for the paved path. Maybe you're asking yourself should I change jobs, should I change schools, should I move away or dig in deeper here? Its tough deciding what to do, but read the word and be IN God. The answers will come. You might have to patiently wait for something, but if you're looking you will find it. And as an added bonus we have each other. A community of people searching for the same answers in different contexts. There's power in each other, so use what resources you do have. (John 15:7, Psalms 119:105, Jeremiah 29:13)

Ya Heard, Zane