Holiness Kinda

I've always considered myself to be a pretty liberal Christian. When I say liberal I mean the opposite of legalistic. My pastor, Mike, explains it like this: A legalistic Christian sets up and enforces rules and cultural standards that protect us from sin, whereas liberal Christian forsakes all of that for more of a try not to sin but don't get too worried about it approach. Both of these ways of thinking (I refuse to call them theologies) translate to people differently.

Some people seem to do really well under a legalistic approach to God. You know some people just need those tangible boundaries and a clear idea of when they've crossed the line. Others, like me, seem to feel more comfortable and open to God with a more liberal approach. Of course both have there pros and cons, and I'm not here trying to sell anyone on one way or the other.

What I'm getting at is I've realized some problems with my liberal approach. Mike says that the liberal way of thinking often gets confused as a license to sin. What he's saying is that people eventually will train themselves to think that sin is alright because we've got grace and mercy. As long as God forgives us we mights as well do whatever the heck we want right? Well clearly that is a problem.

Finally here is an even more quirky part of the whole no boundaries kind of thinking. The more mature I get the more liberal I get. And I mean mature like closer to God. The closer to God I get the more I realize that sin IS covered and that His Grace and His Mercy is much much bigger than my faults. Even more so I find I have more grace and mercy and forgiveness for others. So am I reinforcing a loophole in my beliefs, and in turn in instilling these loopholes in others?

I had a great conversation last night and we examined this exact problem. Ultimately we agreed that a real-deal hold nothing back relationship with God is the key. Taking our American Christian culture as an example, what are we left with if we strip away the rules, the boundaries, and the cultural standards we get from legalism? Now what if we also get rid of the license to sin we get from liberalism? What is left to help us deal with sin? By removing these methods of sin, or methods that prohibit sin, we are left with our relationship with Christ. If we are Christ-centric then following rules won't matter, just like that license to sin becomes a pile of bull-malarkey. If we are striving for the heart of God then we land on Jesus, and Him alone. That's all that really matters. See the scripture below, its spelled out pretty plainly.

So yeah I feel like I'm pretty liberal. This post started because I'm feeling very convicted in some areas, which as a liberal Christian is an odd feeling. But I do feel God drawing me to Holiness and frankly it sucks giving up things that please me. But rather than focusing on my past mistakes, and rather than agonizing over the sacrifices yet to be made, I chose to follow Christ. I will let him be the example, and critic, and savior.

To be mature is to be basic. Christ! No more, no less. That's what I'm working so hard at day after day, year after year, doing my best with the energy God so generously gives me.
~ Colossians 1:28-29

** The term liberal in this post has absolutely nothing to do with my political beliefs ;-) **

Ministry Support?

So I've found myself in a quandary. What am I supposed to do about ministry? Believe me when I say that I really want to be a full-time minister. But I have tried (and failed) to come up with ways to sustain myself in ministry and I simply can't seem to make the numbers fit. But I have a good job and some great friends and life should be great and when the time is right the church will pay my way and things will be dandy.

Then I go and hang out with my students. When I’m with them outside of church and outside of your typical ministry activities I feel incredibly selfish. Do you know the term abandonment? Believe me when I use this term as I don’t take it very lightly. Last night I picked up a student and three of his friends. At any given time there are between 3 and 9 students living at this particular house. That night not everybody could go because my truck only holds five. All of these kids that stay there have been abandoned. The house where they stay has two adults living there, and not to be overly critical but I would hardly call them parents. I won’t divulge details but let’s leave it at the fact that nine times out of ten when I’m over there the mom is nowhere to be found and the step-dad (who didn’t father any of these kids) is drunk and doesn’t care about anything.

So back to the kid that needed a ride. He needed a ride to his house so his parents could take him to court the next day. The house is in McCalla and he needed a ride to Brookwood (which is like FOREVER away). Yeah he walked to McCalla some weeks ago and has been living there for a while. Well he was due in court and needed to get home so charges weren’t brought up against HIS PARENTS for abandoning him. Of course they refused to come get him so that’s where the great big blue taxi cab (aka my truck) comes into play. Well either way I don’t mind because I love hanging out with these kids. The kid that was due in court and another friend at the house BOTH BECAME BELIEVERS over the weekend. I had nothing to do with that btw I just wanted to brag on them. I suppose what I’m getting at is these kids are awesome. They are totally raw and street savvy and their parents couldn’t give a flying flip about them. They’ve been kicked out of school and kicked out of their homes but their smart enough to know how to survive and are smart enough to know they need the Lord. To me that means they’re awesome. And it makes me feel selfish because my life has been all cream puffs and pastries comparatively. What makes it worse is these kids live off of next to nothing. Some get food stamps while others “borrow” money from their parents or relatives when they’re around. They have never stolen anything from me but of course I buy them dinner every chance I get.

But bringing me to my point. Why should the church spend $25k a year on me so that I can hang out with these students when the money would be better spent buying food and healthcare for them? It simply doesn’t make sense. What’s worse is I would have to justify it to the kids. They would see me having a job where I got to hang out with them but they don’t get paid to do that. So the church would be setting the example of “hey if you make yourself into a comfortable little Christian we’ll pay you to do nothing”. I know that’s not the right attitude but I’m telling you that is what these students would think. They wouldn’t be bitter about it but what example am I setting if I quit my job to hang out with students all day?

And then there is [1 Corinthians 9:3-14]. Basically Paul is saying “hey you people take some money and support those who spread the Gospel”. Not that I’m bragging but I feel like I do that. But that’s the quandary. It is Biblical for me to be supported in this, and yet the world in which my students live is much more worthy of support. I could write a book about the cultural and social dynamics at work here. It is mind bottling to say the least.

Remember at the beginning of this post I said I can't seem to make the numbers fit. What that means is I take down all of the bills and living expenses I have and then I take what incoming I need in order to pay for that stuff. When it comes to ministry supporting me it never seems to add up. But maybe that IS my problem. Where's the faith in that? If I know I have guaranteed income then its not really a sacrifice I'm making is it? I digress. I can’t seem to let go of control of those things but I’m scared to move out in faith if I’m unsure of what God says. Either way my students and I need some freakin’ money.

Rest and Relaxation

I have really started to value personal time. A couple of weeks ago I decided that I needed to set two days a month aside for simply personal time. Not time that I spend at home washing clothes, dishes, or catching up with friends. Simply time to myself where I do whatever the eff I want. The reason I need this is because if I don't schedule it ahead of time I will rarely make a conscious decision to do it. Now I am a people person and setting time aside to be by myself seems almost counter-productive with my loneliness-sensitive state of mind. But I have found that giving my mind the time to wander is one of the most relaxing things I can do.

For instance, I feel awesome today. Like I woke up in the best mood. And I woke up in a great mood yesterday. Who the freak wakes up on Monday and Tuesday morning in a great mood?!?!? Well apparently I do when I spend a little time doing nothing. As you may have noticed I haven't posted much lately. Its because I've been spending time away from the computer in the woods, and it puts me in a positive frame of mind. I've got to keep this up.

I even got flipped off in traffic this morning for no apparent reason and it hardly bothered me at all. Although I was secretly hoping I would get caught at a red light next to that a**hole so I could give him a little piece of my mind, but I was over it in like 5 minutes.

Peace and Grace, Zane

Going Natural

My apologizes for being a blogger slacker. I really don't feel like updating this thing but I didn't want to just hang it out to dry. My mind has been completely side tracked with the spring season.

Every spring I get that itch to just get the heck outside and leave the world and my busy life behind. It is this time of year that confirms over and over again my heart's desire to be a traveler. Not everyone finds the same communion with nature but I have come to cherish those moments. As long as I can remember I loved backpacking and camping. Recently I picked up a new hobby of fishing and kayaking. I plan to take at minimum five camping/kayaking/fishing trips before the end of May. So needless to say I won't have a ton of time to update this thing. Between my camping trips and youth I will be very busy. Hopefully I'll get around to updating pictures.

If I find any cool Bible verses or encounter any strange phenomenon you'll be sure to know.

Much Love, Zane

Hard Water

So there's this story in the Bible that has gotten my attention. Before I get into that I must say I am really pissed at myself. This post is helping me understand the funk I've been in, which you may or may not have noticed. So reader be wary, this is a journal after all.

So back to the story. Around the year 50 there was a booming Christian movement in the world. Churches were being started throughout the Middle East and into Southern Europe. And I'm not talking about giant buildings with amphitheater-style sanctuaries and basketball courts. I'm talking about home churches, where neighbors gathered together to talk about this New Gospel...the story of the Jewish Messiah having come and gone. Among these churches was one in town called Laodicea, which was a Roman town in modern-day Turkey. In fact, you can still visit the ruins of city which are apparently in pretty decent shape.

In the last book of the Bible, Jesus appears and asks that a message be sent to the church in Laodicea. The message is something between an admonishment and a warning. Either way I wouldn't want Jesus writing about my life like this. He says that the although the church appears rich in worldly and spiritual ways it is actually spiritually bankrupt. He says Laodicea is a "blind beggar, threadbare and homeless." Famously Jesus says that the church is lukewarm, neither hot nor cold, and that makes it worthless.

There's a whole lot behind this story that I really don't feel like typing out. In a nutshell though I relate my life directly to what's going on here. In recent weeks I have felt incredibly detached and unsatisfied with my spirit. Contrasting how I feel now with I how I felt a month ago is like comparing night to day. I'm telling you we go through these mountain-top and valley phases, this stuff is for real. In the valley I am seeing some very very bad loopholes with my faith, and they are highlighted by this message to Laodicea.

I see myself: convincingly acting faithful even when I'm faithless, spending more time working for God than making time for God (personally you know), feeling indifferent, there is no color or vibrancy to my faith; giving advice and using words to my students that are bland where there is little meaning. What hurts the most is I feel bankrupt of all compassion. As a youth minister, a functional pastor, it is so dangerous to not have compassion.

So reading this story it definitely feels like this was intended for me. I feel like this message has just shot through the heart (and you're to blame) of my crap. You see I'm not a bad person and I do good things, but I'm not hot and I'm not cold. I'm in the middle. I'm bland. I'm lukewarm. I'm hard water. I'm totally not useful at all in these middle places.

So what's the remedy? How do I become useful again?

I don't know. I'm sure there's something about "seeking" or "obeying" or "listening" that's important. That all sounds like a churchy gush right now. I just want somebody to say "hey if you'd quit being a bum and spend 30 minutes a night with God instead of watching Office reruns you'd probably get more out of these valleys".

It seems I only make time to read the Bible when I want to blog something or have to teach at youth. This stuff should be impacting me daily, as part of the renovation efforts, but I don't make the time. I say that as a confession.

So yeah this post was really really for me. If you're interested there's a great article about the Laodicean Church. I like the explanation of the water duct and hard water, hence the title of this post.

Obviously I Don't Care for Buying Clothes

I still have and often wear the entire outfit. I'm wearing the shoes right now in fact. As a side note, the pose for the picture is absurd. So absurd I find myself still posing in that manner today. Man what is wrong with me.

Shower at the Gym

It has recently come to my attention that I link to this blog on facebook. Well I guess I already knew that. Typically my blog is relatively personal and sometimes I'll post things about work that I might not want people at work to read. I just assumed the majority, the mass majority, of my facebook friends read my facebook and not my blog. Apparently I was wrong.

So in light of that I just want to mention a few things. First and foremost if you are a coworker and happen across my blog please read it. I am not ashamed of what I write. I intend what I write because I'm documenting whats going on in my life. I won't bash people or complain (too much), but I do attempt to write honestly.

Secondly I realize that I go to the gym with a lot of coworkers, and I must admit it is EXTREMELY awkward to discover this while I'm in/entering/exiting the shower. I can't tell you how many times I have noticed or walked into a coworker in the locker room shower. Why can't we run into each other in the weight room or doing cardio? Seriously is this some sick joke the Heavens are playing on us? Man it is weird. So if you are a coworker and you've seen me naked I'm sorry.

LOL.