First Motorcycle

So I sold my motorcycle. It was bittersweet. I really enjoyed the bike when I had it, but I never had time to ride it. I honestly believe it increased my cool-factor. So I'm left without a motorcycle and coolness :(

Something incredibly ironic did happen though. I actually had refused to sell my motorcycle to someone because they are somewhat close to me. I was afraid they would be careless and end up hurting themselves on it. The irony came when I sold the motorcycle to someone else. The guy came to my house, we signed the papers, he handed over the money, and then he wrecked the motorcycle. Seriously, the guy pulling out of my driveway ran into the trailer across the street. There are more details that I won't post here, but it was funny. I felt bad for the guy, and at the same time a little worried. I mean how weird is it that I sell it to a guy who immediately wrecks it?

The crash went something like this...

The Bear

Restless in sleep, restless in life. Night sometimes brings hopeless. The kind of hopeless feeling that can only be described as "evil". The day brings stresses of its own, but nothing compared to night.

It all starts with restlessness. My mind spins uncontrollably, jumping from thought to thought. None are positive. All thoughts center on tasks; this must be done, then this, oh I have to do this, don't forget this. On and on and on. I imagine this is my worst nightmare. Living a life of empty tasks where nothing is meaningful. Nothing brings me towards my goals. Then I come to my senses, briefly. "Chillax Zane, worry about it tomorrow". And I will.

I drift off. I was camping in the Wind River Range in Wyoming (just outside of Lander). In the middle of the night a grizzly bear got into our food. My fellow campers and I fled to a nearby hill where we spent the night in fear. Not pure fear of the bear, but fear of getting in his way. Bears sometimes have a hard time telling the difference between friend and foe. In the morning we awoke to a trampled campsite. As we begin to gather ourselves, the bear returns. This time he was behind us, ready to fight for what he thought was rightfully his.

My mind shifts. Back to sleep, back to worry. Non-stop pounding on the doors of my heart. Something inside my heart begs to be set free. I know exactly what it is. The thought brings joy and hope. But then its tainted. I feel sorrow again because I can't let go, just not yet. I'm not ready. It shouts "LET GO". NO. I've got myself into this, I must get myself out. I awake again. I plead, "God ease my mind. Give me rest. I know I'm unworthy of your mercy and grace, but pleeeeaaaseee..."

Back to sleep. I squirm in my bed. As I squirm so does a figure in front of me. In the same movement, the same rhythm, the same feeling of desperation, the figure in front of me matches me perfectly. I turn on the light and I see the figure clearly. It is the pelt of a grizzly bear, hanging in a closet, freshly harvested from the Earth. Bold black x's cover the eyes. The bear is dead.

I wake up again. Now I'm typing. I don't know what this dream means. I don't know why I get attacked like this. These nights expose so much. I feel like I've been laid bare and all of my faults, problems, stresses are in front of me. I want to cry. I want to shout. I want resolve.

I know it won't happen. Not tonight anyway. Life is process, so I'm learning. Nothing is fixed magically in a split-decision.

The bear scared me. So I post the happiest bear I could find at 2 am.

Grace and peace, Zane

The Challenge

“The Creator has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do” ~ Orison Swett Marden

We bury ourselves into jobs, responsibilities, and situations that bring us no joy and satisfaction, and there in the back of our mind is that urge to know and find and fall in to the purpose we were created for.

“Can a mortal ask questions which God finds unanswerable? Quite easily, I should think. All nonsense questions are unanswerable.” ~ C.S. Lewis

We are all stupid, there is a better way we just have to let go of control.

"If the world did not suck, we'd all fall off" ~ William Jordan Glasgow

Life is filled with rocks, pot-holes, and walls all designed to make the journey difficult and trying, however it wouldn't be worth doing if it was easy.

“I fear one day I'll meet God, he'll sneeze and I won't know what to say.”

I am remembering that God is really really big.

“I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter.” ~ Winston Churchill

Resistance is futile.

The Sipsey

We had a lot of fun, even though the trip was a bit of a bust. This is my smiling mug at the end of the long paddle.

My view for most of the trip :)


Beautifully clear water, it is an almost-virgin forest.


LeAlan at the end of the long paddle :) Don't overlook the waterfall.

Youth and the InnerChange

I just responded to an email from Mike. I feel exhausted. You know how sometimes you get rolling on a thought and you keep writing...and writing...and writing.

There's a lot of youth that come to our church. A lot. Sit with Josh sometime and go through the pictures he has. Go to our myspace. Go to Jenny's site. Go to battleground or the Fish. I would say in the last five years, since the InnerChange has been alive, we have ministered to THOUSANDS of students. Maybe more. And we HAVE seen lives changed. We HAVE seen disciples being born.

And we've seen hurt. We've lived through the downs of life and the pits of death.

I think the ICY team is getting burned out. We've been carrying a heavy load...school, work, painting, cleaning, planning, teaching, relationship drama, life drama. And then I sit here and I take a second...just a second...to reflect on what has happened and what God has done. And then I remember, I'm not done yet. There is more to do.

When Lee went to heaven I know God said "well done my good and faithful servant". He and Cathy did a great job. All of the students, all of the youth ministries, Lee had a hand in. He built the first skate park for crying out loud. He started ICY in Mike's garage. He planned with Jennifer to get the Fish at the IC. Now God has brought him home, and He has entrusted this wonderful thing to us.

There is a mountain to climb to attain our goals. There's a lot more that needs to be done. More planning, more painting, more cleaning, more building, more systems. But all of that is to bring to life the vision that God has given us. And He has given us vision. I know it.

There is a time for rebuilding our Jerusalem. Our sacred city of refuge from the world, our place of worship. That time is now. (my interpretation of Micah 7:11)

Big Dreams

Please allow me to summarize the last three hours of my life last night.

Tennis was fun. My team lost which really irks my competitive side, but nonetheless we had a lot of fun.

Go to the gym. At the gym I start thinking about the guy that owns the gym. He started with one in Chelsea now he owns three gyms and two tanning salons. Hit the treadmill after some weights and all I can think about is snow cones. What is God saying? Random I know right.

I drive home, take a shower, and I sit in my chair. These days when I pray I try to be on the ground, sometimes in my meditation corner, sometimes just in the floor. I was in my chair because I was tired. I started to pray and felt very sleepy. My prayer started out, "Dear Lord, I just want to quit my job...I just want to work for myself...I just want to be free to live my life......." I fell asleep. I woke up about an hour later and crawled into my bed where my dreams resumed.

I feel like I'm just shooting in the dark. I'm not moving towards my dreams, but I'm not running from them either. I criticize people for waiting until opportunity knocks, rather than seizing the opportunity. I feel like I've become that. I'm just waiting for God to do it for me. Not cool.

California

California really looks beautiful. I would love to travel there someday. I met my sisters biological sister at her wedding. Her sister's name is Ashley and she is 20. She told me that every morning homeless crackheads dig through her trash and look for unlocked windows and doors to break in to. She lives in California and wants to move to Alabama. When asked why she said because she wants to move away from the drama and closer to family. I hope she makes it.

I have heard people in Alabama say several times that California will eventually break off into the ocean. This is most likely due to the San Andreas Fault. I wonder if they say that in California?